IN PRAISE OF A SMILE.

A smile can light up an uninteresting face and make it look beautiful. A smile is a gift - both for the person smiling and the one being smiled at. Share a smile with somebody while you are going through a particularly bad time and you immediately feel better. Anybody can smile - when you are in the depths of depression, let a smile break through and it will brighten your life just as the sun breaking out from behind the clouds on a dull and miserable day suddenly brightens everything up.

You can share a smile with anyone: even exchanging a smile with a stranger in the street can instantly brighten your day. But the most important smiles are the ones shared with the people we love. A smile from them confirms the love they have for us. It makes us feel safe and important.

Surely we have a right to expect those who love us to smile at us. But what if they don't? What if they think their life is such a disaster that they cannot be bothered to make the effort to smile? The person they live with will surely feel unappreciated and very easily be drawn into the miserable mood. Living with someone who will not smile is awful. We owe it to those we live with to make the effort to smile and brighten their llives; in doing so, our own will surely be brightened too.

SANDY.

Our golden retriever Sandy will be 14 in December and has had 2 cancerous lumps removed in the past.

This summer, he started losing some blood from near his bottom and we could see a little lump there. Every time he sat there was bood on the carpet - not good news for either Sandy or my carpets! The vet gave him antibiotics and for a while the problem seemed a bit better, then suddenly got worse - just before we were going to Kef. Our daughter was away on a hen weekend in Edinburgh, but I had no option other than to go away on the Sunday and leave the problem for her to deal with.

On arriving in Kef I spent several days worrying about Sandy. News from our daughter was sketchy, but I didn't press her. Apart from text messages, we never got to phone her until the Monday of the second week but she indicated then that Sandy was ok and sitting beside her. I had a vague suspicion that there was something else she wasn't telling me, but again I didn't press her.

When I got home, I learned that Sandy had had an operation to remove the lump - I think it was on the Wednesday of the first week. When our daughter went to pick Sandy up, the vet was busy with an emergency but left a note with the receptionist to say that during the operation he found a large mass in Sandy's stomach. Our poor daughter was in tears.

Our vet is a really lovely guy (when we first met him our poor daughter really liked him and was originally heartbroken to learn that he was about to be married). He phoned our daughter later and apologised profusely for not being there. He explained that although Sandy didn't have a full anaesthetic his breathing wasn't all that good. Then the vet found this big mass in his stomach. He said he thought Sandy would not survive another operation to remove the lump. Pressed by our daughter, he gave Sandy only 4 to 6 months to live.

When Sandy went back to have his stitches removed, there was no consulting room available so the vet actually saw Sandy and my daughter outside the building. He said that the tests on the lump he removed had showed that it was not actually malignant (I think he had believed all along that it was going to be another cancer). He was very surprised to see that Sandy had recovered really quickly from the operation and was full of beans! He said then that Sandy has surprised him in the past and that he could well be wrong about how much time he has left.

That was at the beginning of July, over two months ago. Sandy still appears remarkably well and is still enjoying his life very much. He truly is living up to his pedigree name of Magic Mystery.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!

Since I last spoke to you, summer has come and almost gone. Not that we had much summer here in the UK: at least not as far as people like me who love to swim in the sea are concerned. I only swam once here all summer.

I was very lucky though and had pretty good weather for my 3 trips abroad. Kefalonia especially was hot and beautiful as ever, although even that was a little windy from time to time. One of the highlights was seeing a turtle for the first time in Kef, swimming in the water in Argostoli. (We took a video of it which I will post here later). So, a good summer with lots of sun for me. I didn't want the travelling to stop and, as usual, didn't want to leave Kef. Mind you, the journey home was interesting as we followed the coast of Greece northwards on to Albania, Montenegro and Croatia, with a lovely view of the numerous Croatian islands - and I was able to spot Rovinj (which is unmistakeable from the air if you know it). We then flew near Venice and I was able to see the campsites on the peninsula nearby - one of which we stayed in last May. So, I was able to track the paths of our 2009 travels from the air!

My husband had his 7-week sabattical from work and enjoyed himself very much. We had some good days out in Eastbourne and some good walks with our dog. Hubby was given a season ticket for the local cricket team for his 60th in January, so spent quite a bit of time on that this summer too. I hate cricket and, although it is good to see him enjoying himself and he certainly deserves to have some time doing stuff he enjoys, if I am honest I really wish he wasn't getting so into cricket again! That's just me being selfish though......

Since the travelling ended, I have really been in something of an escapist, reality-avoiding mood. I started playing a game called MyFarm on Facebook and really, really got addicted to planting crops, harvesting and selling them and gradually building up a very pretty farm (with lots of trees and flowers) I love my farm and wish I could run away and live there lol! It is a pretty much self-limiting thing because, once you get to a certain level, there really isn't all that much point in carrying on, but it has served its purpose for me and provided an escapist outlet at a time when I just wanted to hide from life and its problems for a while. Many people reading this will no doubt think that online farming is a sad pursuit - although it has to be said that my daughter tesed me mercilessly for several weeks but eventually signed up just to help me when I needed another neighbour. She has since become completlely addicted herself though, more so than I ever was! It can be a fairly sociable pursuit as you can harvest and plough for other people and get them to do the same for you. My daughter has actually made a good friend via FarmTown, a Greek girl who is studying in the US at the moment. They get on really well and my daughter may even stay with her when she goes back to Cyprus.

As for other news on my errant offspring, my daughter has had no work at all from the agency for several weeeks but now it is beginning to pick up again. Otherwise, she is plodding along much the same as ever. Son is a real problem at the moment though...... he is really the most miserable persson in the whole world. It is a shame there isn't a prize competition for the title, because he would win it without a doubt. He hates his job and thinks his life is s***t, basically. My daughter is unhappy with her life too, but at least you get lots of smiles from her and I can have a laugh with her. With my son though, there is just misery and no smiles at all. He seems to be very angry too: sometimes if feels as if he is angry with us, although it isn't our fault he got himself into a job he hates so much! I said to him just this morning that if he hates work so much he should at least try to look for something else, but all I got in response is that he doesn't know what else to do. "Well then" I said, "If you don't even try to get something else you are gonna stay miserable for ever!"

I know it is horrible to be in a job you hate, but I do think he should make more effort to make himself amenable to us. He dosn't even try to smile and be pleasant. He is happy enough to live in our house, eat our food and borrow our money when he gets into debt, so I think he should make more effort for us. At the moment, to be honest, I am really feeling as if I dislike the boy, even though I know that underneath I still love him! I had a jolly good cry when he left for work this morning...... it shouldn't be like that though, should it?

Apart from offspring problems, I am not too bad healthwise, although I have had some eye problems recently, as well as the usual ear ones. It has unfortunately been a very bad summer for me as far as exercise and diet is concerned - I got so fed up exercising and dieting without getting anywhere that I just needed to give up both for a while. In some ways, it has done me good...... although definitely not as far as my waistline is concerned! So now, the plan is to start all over again, hopefully with a more successful strategy this time! At the moment though, starting it all up again is proving a very slow process. I just do not want to do it!

Anyway, I have pretty much got you up to date with everything in my life now (apart from some news about our dog Sandy and that really merits a separate post).

See you later......

JUST A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS.......

1) I am a bad blogger at the moment........ just haven't been in the mood to 'talk' recently!

2) I had a good time at the campsaite at CaSavio (just across the water from Venice) in May - apart from the journey there and back which was long and very tiring! Our caravan was in a pine forest next to a beautiful sandy beach though. We had a couple of swims - and enjoyed watching the woodpeckers and other birds while we sat outside eating our breakfast. We enjoyed the Italian coffee too (not to mention the Italian wine!).

3) We are off on our travels again in the early hours of Tuesday: one week in Croatia with daughter, then home for just a few days before hubby and I depart for our usual 2 weeks in my beloved Kefalonia.

4) Hubby is officially on sabbatical now; off work for 7 whole weeks! He has got lots of cricket and golf planned, of course.

5) My offspring are much the same as ever. Daughter hasn't been getting much work recently. She has been out on a couple of dates with a guy though......... she says he is nice, but she doesn't 'fancy' him at all. We keep telling her that might change as she gets to know him. He seems pretty keen on her though.......

6) Healthwise, my cyst has only just gone completely (there was a bit of fluid trapped in there for weeks!). Haven't felt really healthy since the cyst thing started. Am full of aches and pains too, but I guess that is just old age creeping up on me! Am hoping some time swimming and relaxing will help a lot though....... One good thing is that I was worried about my blood pressure as it had been raised again, but I had it taken on Thursday and it was normal. A big relief!

7) My one remaining sister-in-law (who has a schizophrenia-related illness) is in hospital at the moment. Always a difficult person, she has been upsetting the nurses in there and has been chucked out of her ward into another one. She is eating hardly anything and apparently looks very pale (I haven't seen her myself since January).

8) I have got to go now and get on with holiday preparations. Will promise to actually do some blogging again once I eventually return. Be good!

ARRIVEDERCI.

I am going away for a week, to a place that figures a lot in this video: -  

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART FOUR.

Here's another letter from a lady called Lily to Bel Mooney, published in the Daily Mail on the 14th March 2009. This one is fom a younger woman in her 30s - but the problems are much the same!

HELP! NOBODY SEEMS TO LIKE ME!

Dear Bel 

How do you make friends?  I'm in my mid-30s and have no friends because no one likes me.  I think this goes back to my last year in secondary school, when my so-called friends dropped me.  In the past I've done night classes, but never met anyone I clicked with.

I think these problems often do go back to our earliest days. Because of my disability, my parents sent me to a private convent school up to the the age of nine and a half. If you don't think that little children can be snobby at that age, then think again! I was also constantly pestered about my hand - and asked to show what was beneath my artificial arm. The girl who did it most had Down's Syndrome so probably knew no different - it was just my bad luck that she happened to be there at the same time as me!

To make matters worse, my mother couldn't care less.  She tells me to go out and enjoy myself - but I do not have the courage to do so.  My life is just pointless.  I long for friendships and the pain is really hurting me.  

My mum wasn't good at understanding my problems either.

LILY 

Loneliness affects so many people, and all the modern disease of frenetic 'communication' makes not a jot of difference.  Is 'twittering' talking?  No, it is not.  Does Facebook make real friendship any easier?  No, it does not.  Instead, I suspect that all the meaningless 'stuff' going on all around makes people like you feel worse.  You did the right thing to join evening classes, but if the person inside you doesn't know how to 'be', no activities are going to help.

I belong to Facebook - but sometimes end up upset as many my so called 'friends' on there aren't really interested in me as a person! 

I find this reply more realistic than that given to the previous letter. It is true that, if the person inside you does not does not know how to 'be', then no activities are going to help. I have had  57 years in which to prove that that is correct! At last, maybe,  we might be starting to get somewhere now!

I've had many letters like yours over the past few years.  Loneliness among the elderly is a widespread - and very sad - problem, but it does us all good to realise that people of all ages are afflicted, too.

Your confidence suffered a severe knock at school and you have a parent who (I suspect) has never bothered to try to know the real you.  But you can step forward out of those two shadows over your life.  I won't suggest therapy because I suspect it would be financially out of the question, as well as too daunting at this stage.  I think you have to help yourself by becoming far, far more self-aware than your little note indicates.  You need to understand what makes people tick, starting with yourself.  You have to learn to develop the person you are inside and present a different face to the world.

The problem of the cost of getting therapy is a real one. Finding a good therapist can be hard too.

It can be done - really!  But you do not get there by moping.  Have you seen Psychologies magazine (see www.psychologies.co.uk)?

Looks like a helpful link.

Each month they feature issues similar to yours, with plenty of advice, quizzes, and so on.  You should sign up to the website, and get involved with the Forums, and read the magazine from cover to cover each month.  Self-help books (which too many people dismiss) can be very useful, too: for example, How To Be A People Person by Marianna Csoti (Right Way Books); and Christine Webber's Get The Self-Esteem Habit (Help Yourself/ Hodder) are both written in a warm, accessible way.  I'm saying that you have to make a real effort, Lily.  You have to stop listening to that sad, negative inner voice which tells you no one likes you because you don't actually deserve friends.

I am going to buy these books. I have to say though that I already have a whole library of self-help books upstairs, most of them bought in the 80s when I had a spell when I was really determined to deal with this problem. It never got me anywhere though!

Let other voices drown it out.  You do deserve friends.  But you must learn how to reach out - and the first stage of that process is understanding more about people, including yourself.  So start work today.

Yes, yes, yes! It has taken me some years, but I do now believe passionately that, despite all these years of failure, I definitely do deserve to have a good friend! I used to do voluntary work in a charity shop and often used to study some of the people who came who came in. Sometimes they were loud, full of swear words and screaming at their kids like mad women - but they nearly always came in with their friends and I used to think: "If they can do it, why not me?" But I never came up with a good answer!

My husband says I am different to other women; indeed, I think he loves me because of that. I am soft and feminine, yet not always into things that other women are. Although I like nice clothes and make-up, I do not want to talk about them for hours. I am not really all that domesticated, although I have not worked for many years.  I was never a loud, giggly girl - always quiet and thoughtful.

I am really desperately hopeless at making small talk! Maybe I need to develop more exciting hobbies that I can talk about - I mainly like listening to music, reading, and crosswords and I really love swimming. I am learning Greek - but that is not something I can talk to other people about for long, as not many people my age learn Greek! I have belonged to a table tennis club for many years, but find it hard to talk to people there. They mostly all live in the village where it takes place (we are a mile or two away from there) and most of them know each other from doing other things. Many of them belong to an ordinary tennis club as well (I would love to play tennis, but am far from being good enough to join a club. Also, because of my disability I cannot serve properly).

Church can be a difficult area. I am a Catholic but, although my faith means a lot to me, I do not like to be with people who only talk about religion. I hate fanaticism of any kind. There is honestly not much potential for friendship at my church anyway, at least amongst the few who attend social gatherings outside the church. Although it is not good to be too critical of the people you mix with, you do need to have some basic rapport there. Of course you should always be friendly to everyone, but surely real friendship can only be achieved with those you really gel with?

PIGGY STUFF!

The inevitable swine flu jokes are doing the rounds! I always feel slightly guilty laughing at such jokes, because if you actually get the affliction which is at the heart of the latest joke craze, I guess it isn't a joking matter! Still, we Brits do seem to be good at cheering ourselves up making light of serious subjects!

Anyway, I have to say I did laugh a lot at this particular joke. It is followed by the cover of an arts centre programme that came through our door today. I am sure they knew nothing about the coming pig flu epidemic when they designed their cover! (It is in fact advertising a production called 'Babe The Sheep Pig'!)

Some very prophetic person - long, long ago - was heard to say that if a black guy ever became president of the USA, then pigs would fly!

Of course, we all know that the USA does now indeed have a black president. And what happened 100 days after his inauguration? Why.......... swine flu, of course!

A VERY STRANGE & SPOOKY FEW DAYS!

Friday saw me heading off with hubby for a weekend away in Winchester. I have never been to Winchester before - and I have to say I was well impressed! It is a lovely place: lots of beautiful old buildings and, just five minutes out of town along the river and there you are in the countryside, in the really lovely water meadows. What more can you want, eh? The sun even came out for us!

The reason we trundled off to Winchester is one that I have been very remiss in not telling you, my blog readers, about before! In March 2008, I wrote here about my schooldays and how I had spotted some of my old school companions on Friends Reunited. I subsequently sent an email to the girl I mentioned and did eventually get a very nice reply from her. I ended up meeting her for lunch just before Christmas, along with the other two women that I had maintained very intermittent contact with. We had a really enjoyable lunch and I was lured into attending a little mini-reunion this past weekend in Winchester.

There were four of my old schoolmates there, along with their partners. None of the people I met at Christmas actually went to Winchester, so I was meeting four people I hadn't seen since I was 17 (at least 100 years ago, I feel!). It was weird, to say the least! It was actually very enjoyable catching up with what everyone has been doing for the past 40 years though. Most of them were eerily pretty much the same as they were way back in those long-ago times, although the woman who organized the reunion - who I used to really dislike and find both stuffy and bossy - had changed the most and I actually probably like her the most now! Who says that people can't change?!!!!!

Anyway, we all stayed in the same hotel, although everyone else arrived arrived on Saturday whereas we made a longer break of it, arriving on the Friday afternoon. We met the others in the bar on Saturday evening and then we all went off for a really lovely meal in a local restaurant, before later retiring back to the hotel bar where we chatted until 1:30 am! I have to say, it was far too late for me - I was almost falling asleep! We met up with 3 of the other couples at breakfast and then we all went our separate ways. Hubby and I went off to church in Winchester and then spent a few hours doing some more exploring.

By now, you might be thinking what was strange and spooky about  Seeker's weekend then? Well, the spooky stuff didn't start until after we got back home. Although, the journey back did show signs that something odd might be on the cards! Hubby wanted to stop off for a meal on the way back, having spotted a Harvester restaurant on the way there and thinking they would do reasonably priced grub! It was half past 5 when we drew up there; I was actually asleep and didn't even want a meal at the time, but hubby is always hungry! Lol! Anyway, we drove into the car park which is actually on the other side of the road from the restaurant and were surprised to see lots of police up at the far end of the car park. There must have been at least 3 cars and loads of police.

We went into the restaurant and the waitress (a really nice, exceptionally friendly girl) took our order. They do a very reasonably priced offer up to 6:30 and you get unlimited salad from the salad bar with the main meals too. Fortunately, I drank some water which woke me up quite dramatically and I even began to feel like some food. So, all was good!

I was just thinking that our food had been quite a time arriving, when the waitress came back and said she was sorry but there was a delay due to an 'incident'. We asked was it to do with the police being in the car park and she said that yes it was but that she was not allowed to give us any information. 

The meal actually did arrive not all that long afterwards and we enjoyed it. When we left and went outside though, I just happened to spot a wad of paper towels not far from the door and noticed that there was blood on it. Rather disturbingly, there was a baby's bottle full of milk on the ground not far from the blood-soaked paper. Lord knows what had gone on there! Back over the road in the car park, the police were still in the corner evidently waiting for something. There was a car right in the corner next to the police and this had been cordoned off. As we drove past, we saw that the boot of the car was open and there were several cardboard boxes inside. Hubby surmised that the police were probably waiting for the forensic experts to turn up and test the contents of the boxes - but he does sometimes have an over-active imagination!

Anyway, the rest of our journey was uneventful apart from us stupidly getting a little lost around Guilford and actually going round in a circle for a while! We got home safely at around 8:15 pm though - and it was nice to see our children again, especially our daughter who had been away for the week at a religious event down in Ilfracombe.

When I got home, I had received a card from J, a lady from church who knew I hadn't been very well recently and had very kindly arranged for the mass last Sunday to be said for my intentions (not knowing that we were to be away). Nothing strange about that; it was very nice of her! The next afternoon though, just after my son had gone off to work, I went into our bedroom to get my mobile so I could get J's number to phone and thank her for having the mass said - and I noticed my son had picked up an envelope from the doormat and put it on the bed (our bedroom is downstairs, next to the front door). When I opened the envelope, I found that it was a sympathy card from the old couple who live opposite to us (the ones we spend the new years eve before last with). This was something of a surprise, as none of us know anyone who has died recently! As the card was addressed to my hubby, our daughter and myself, we assumed that the card was referring to our son. Hubby met the couple in the street the next morning and the lady could not remember where she got the information from, but thought she might have dreamed it! She is 82 though, so I guess she is just getting a bit confused in her old age!

 

The really weird thing is that immediately after opening the card, I phoned J and she told me that when the mass for me took place on Sunday evening, the priest who said it (a retired priest who often fills in when our priest goes off on his frequent travels around the world!) made a mistake and announced that I was dead! Poor J gave the guy who was taking the collection a note to tell the priest his error, but for some reason he failed to pass it on to him! The priest ended up announcing me as a deceased person three times in all! I actually found it very funny and was in fits of laughter when I was talking to J on the phone! Still, it was a little bit spooky too! What are the chances of two members of one family being killed off by mistake at the same time? Very slim, I should think! I hope somebody from the 'other side' isn't trying to tell us something!...................

SANDY.

Not long ago somebody (I think it was Superwoman) asked how Sandy was. I was just about to reply that he was fine - when he gave us a bit of a scare! Hubby was helping him into the car after he had been walking with us in a park in Hove (he needs help getting up into the car these days!). Anyway, hubby gave him a helping hand up, only to find his hand was covered in blood seemingly coming from his backside. The bleeding soon stopped though and hubby reached the conclusion that he hurt himself on the way up (apparently made an unsuccessful attempt to get up by himself first). Anyway, there has been no sign of blood since. 

He sleeps a lot these and the old bones are a bit stiff (I know the feeling myself only too well!) but - as you can see from the following video taken on a trip to the beach with him yesterday - he still really enjoys his life. He's really not bad for a 13-year-old who has had two cancerous lumps removed in the past, eh? He really lives up to his pedigree name, Magic Mystery!

I do love that dog so much......

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART THREE.

 Am feeling a little bit better now (and about time too!) so I thought that I would carry on with the friendship thing I was meant to be doing ages ago! Here is the agony aunt letter & its reply again, with my own comments added in.

From the Daily Mail 14th July 2007

Dear Bel

The letter from the lady who wished she could take a pill and never wake up (Mail, June 30) moved me no end. I empathise with her feelings for quite a different reason. How could I have reached my 60s and have no friends?

When we were growing up, we were never allowed to bring school friends home. My parents were very suspicious of everyone and had no friends. Even into our teens and after starting work, our home was off limits. My sister escaped to college and went on to have a good friendship base and four children and grandchildren.I wouldn't have thought she was any more friendly and outreaching than me; her main topic of conversation is herself. Of course, she does have a lot more interesting life than me.

My early schooldays were undoubtedly affected my the fact I had a disability which made the other children constantly ask lots of questions.My parents had lots of friends. For part of my youth, my mother ran a seaside guest house too, so the house was often full of people. I really adored meeting all those people, but it still never helped me make friends of my own!

I married someone who turned out like my parents. He discouraged neighbours, and any attempt I made to have a social life was squashed flat. I made work acquaintances, but it was impossible to deepen the relationships. I had two children and made sure the house was filled with their friends - which, funnily enough, my husband didn't object to. I enjoyed this and tried to introduce their parents into it, but people backed off because of his strange behavior.

Like me, my husband is not the most confident of people and does not have any real friends. Unlike me, this does not bother him so much. He loves sport, has a few people he can play tennis & golf with - and that's enough for him. I always wanted us to attempt to make friends together, but it never really happened. I think he feels the need for friends more now though.

Fast-forward - I divorced him, he subsequently died and I am in a calm, safe, rather boring relationship with a very kind man. Unfortunately, his family is scattered and he came without any friends too! At last I am settled, financially, my family close by (although not frequent visitors) and here I am without a network of friends or even one or two I could confide in.

I moved house some two years ago, and had made four friends where I lived before. One keeps in touch by phone, but cannot travel to see me. The other three have not returned my calls or letters, so I tried to keep in touch with them, to no avail.

I have been married for almost 34 years and am in a very stable relationship. We have been in our house for 26 years. I would quite like to move somewhere else, a completely new start in a new town with new people, but the fact our children still live at home makes this difficult. I dare say I still would not make friends anyway. (I know, a real defeatist attitude!)

Ill health has prevented me from doing any independent activities until now, but I am getting better. So I joined a gym, a reading group, went to evening classes and joined a choir at which I was 10 years younger than anyone else.

Throughout the years, I have tried many, many activities. I did yoga for a long time and attended evening classes. Like the writer, I have joined a gym in recent years  (in an attempt to lose some weight though, not really to try and make friends). My husband and I belong to a social club too, but I have virtually stopped really trying now. I think all hope left me quite a time ago. I believe that people do not like me, that there is some friend-making skill that just was not dished out to me!

I have invited people to coffee and have set up a nodding acquaintance with my much younger neighbours, and there it ends. I am friendly, intelligent and willing to be a helpful friend, so where have I gone wrong?

Interesting, that use of the word friendly. I too think I am quite a friendly person. I certainly smile a lot and try to please. Surely though, really friendly people cannot fail to make friends, the two should go together. I think there is something  in me, something I transmit to people without knowing it, that just puts them off me. Maybe, after all these years, I just expect to fail - and somehow transmit that fact!

I even go to church in the hope that someone will hold out a friendly hand to me, but there seems to be quite a clique there and so far I have been asked to make a cake, and that's it.

If I had one, I would ask my best friend what I am doing wrong. Have you any ideas?

Jean

BEL MOONEY'S REPLY

Let me be your best friend for today and tell you a story (you may have heard it before, but the best tales bear repeating) about a traveller entering a new town who stops for refreshment........

To the first man he meets, he says: "I'm coming to live here and I'd like to know what kind of people I'll find in this town." The man responds: "Well, let me ask you - what kind of people did you find in the town you've left?" The traveller replies: "Oh, on the whole they were a pretty decent lot. They varied, of course, but I had some good friends and I'm sorry to leave them." "Welcome," says the stranger. "I think you'll be happy because those are the kind of people you'll find in this town." Shortly afterwards, another traveller turns up and asks the same question. Again the stranger asks about the people in his last town. "To tell the truth," replies the voyager, "they were about as nasty and unfriendly a lot as you could meet." "They were spiteful and selfish and I'm jolly glad to see the last of them." "Oh, that's a real pity," sighs the wise stranger, "because I'm afraid that's the kind of people you will find in this town."

I do accept the point that Bel is making here. I tend to look around me and see a lot of unfriendly people - and it can definitely be a self-fulfilling prophecy!  How to change it though? I try hard to see everyone as being friendly and not to write anyone off. We all, inevitably, judge the world on past experiences. How do I suddenly make myself go out out expecting that everybody is going to love me and see me as somebody they want to be friends with? How do I forget the fact that I have had 57 years and 9 months of failure? What is there to make me believe that things will ever change?

No, don't stop reading - upset because you assume I am blaming you for your bad luck where friends are concerned. It's not that simple.

She is right there!

There cannot be a single reader who doesn't wince at your description of those difficult parents, that dreary home. But the opening fable serves a purpose if it makes you understand that whoever we are, whatever our background, we do have some influence over how we construct our lives. That is what The Beatles meant when they sang that true, inspirational line, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Agreed. And I do love people...... the human race is just so varied, so interesting. I love watching people and I love listening to them. I am just no good at talking to them, or making them want to listen to me!

So, as your new best friend, I have to be honest and tell you what you don't want to hear.

While I sympathise with your story of your parents' congenital unfriendliness, and with your unfortunate (but perhaps telling?) fate to marry a man just like them, there were three moments in your letter when I began to ask myself whether - in real life - I would be your friend.

My first alarm sounds with your rather bitchy aside that your sister's "main topic of conversation is herself". You have always envied her, yet don't understand why she is more fortunate than you are. Her life is "more interesting" - but is that due to mere happenstance or because she made it so?

I had to smile at the first sentence here......... so many people have known (and I am thinking here about members of my husband's family) have seemed to be only interested in talking about themselves. Not that I don't like hearing about other people's lives - but friendship should surely be an equal thing? We all need to tell our stories sometimes, to be listened to. No one seems to want to listen to me though. I think I must be bad at talking about myself in a way that others find interesting. I guess I believe I must be boring - and that others find me so too.

The next warning bell clangs when you go on to describe your current relationship as "rather boring". Does this "kind" man really deserve that? It's revealing that you say so little about him, other than that he isn't a very social person either - and this after you had already married one such. Do you live together? Does he work? Does he share your concern about a lack of friends? You aren't interested enough in him to tell me.

Not applicable to me. I love my husband and love spending time with him. My only  problem has always been that, because I have no friends of my own, I therefore cling to him too much and have a problem in happily letting him go off to play his games of tennis or golf. It is something I have to work hard to control.

If the relationship is really boring - why? Is your partner boring, or is it you? Often when we are critical about other people ("She only talks about herself / All she thinks about is shopping / He's too concerned with what other people think about him," etc) a voice from the subconscious is pointing to the very things that are wrong with ourselves.

I suppose I kind of see what she is getting at here, but only to a point. Following this logic, the people who judge me as too boring to want to be a friend of theirs must therefore be boring themselves!

A few years ago, a friend I thought really close sniped that another woman I had just got to know (and liked very much) was being friendly only because I had a famous husband. When the marriage ended, guess which one sided with my ex to a quite unforgivable degree and which became a great friend to me?

So the first thing you must do is examine - as honestly as you can - how you are with other people.

It seems significant that those three friends from your old town haven't made any effort at all to keep in touch with you. What does that tell you about the quality of your relationships? It's easy to blame them, but you are not going to make new friends unless you reflect what part you might have played in keeping the "friendships" superficial.

It sounds as if a part of you is still enacting what your parents imposed - and keeping the door firmly closed, even if you do not realise it. Now this virtual friend will point out what's good about you. Your health has improved and you have seized the chance to fill your life with more activities to make it more interesting. Three cheers for joining the gym and so on.

I have no doubt that you are intelligent (as you say) and friendly too - but that does bring me to the third moment when, reading your letter, I groaned aloud. You say you "even" go to church out of your desperate need for friends but - guess what? - you find the people cliquey. You complain that you have been asked only to make a cake. What did you expect? A cake, made in good faith, with the best of intentions, is a very good beginning - a hand held out to others. That is how you start to make friends - not through being so needy and demanding that you expect hands to be held out to you.

I am on the side of the letter write here, rather than the agony aunt! I too have been to churches where people are unfriendly and cliquey. Of course the writer should help out in whichever way appeals to her - but so many people in churches still think that every female churchgoer has to be is only good for making a few cakes. There are women who like making cakes - and there are women whose talents lie in other directions. We are all different!

I am guilty, I guess, of expecting hands to be held out to me too much. It is sad that in a group environment where people know each other -  and especially in a Christian environment where loving each other should be what it is all about -  people do not make the effort to make a newcomer feel at ease. I do sometimes find myself getting angry when I am feeling the panic of being in a strange environment, lost and out of my depths, that there is so often not even one person who will even try to help. It often only takes just a little gesture to help somebody feel wanted and so much more at ease.

You say you moved just two years ago. Some of that time has surely been taken up with sorting your home, finding your way about, locating a choir, book group etc (I repeat, full marks for that) and getting your health back on an even keel. Don't be so hard on yourself that you expect to have achieved a full social life already; just start from this moment to realise that the face you show to the world will be the one the world shows back to you.

Relax. Smile. Give. Like yourself a little more. Bake great cakes. Open the door - in every way. Offer to babysit for those neighbours. Suggest your caring partner involves himself in shared activities; vow to discover new things together.

I try to relax (though sometimes it is hard!)....... I do smile a lot......... I go to shared activities with my husband whenever I can. What more can I do?

If you think your life is boring then act to change that part of yourself which judges it so. And then, when your new warm acquaintances slowly evolve into friends, you will rejoice that you moved to such a friendly town.

Well, I wonder how things are for Jean almost 2 years later. I hope her life has improved.

Bel Mooney answered another letter about friendship issues recently. So, I'll deal with that one in a later post.

FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

GETTING INTO HOT WATER!

I am surviving okay. The cyst area is doing alright (although it is still discharging a tiny bit). The hands are not too bad, apart from one very nasty deep fissure....... the chemist said I should show it to the doctor, but I really want to avoid having any further antibiotics if at all humanly possible. So, I am doing absolutely nothing in order to avoid infection. I am watching it very closely, but it seems to be doing fine so far. Besides not being able to do anything, I am staying in my nightie most of the day because the cyst on my botty is much better when the air can get to it. And I am having repeated showers throughout the day....... which brings me to the title of this post!

My neighbour is a bit of a rough-and-ready guy. My husband and daughter have on occasions narrowly avoided having a big row with him over the dreaded shared driveway (which they all park in, as it is usually impossible to park in our road due to us being very close to an establishment which not only has a large staff, but numerous visitors throughout the day). Our neighbour himself says that you do not want to get him angry - and fortunately my family have so far avoided any major incidents! They are though never allowed to block him into the drive by parking behind him, even though he himself is allowed to do the same to them (apparently the reason is that he goes out regularly at 11 pm and does not want to disturb us then - so, if my husband or daughter want to park in the drive with him, they have to knock on his door and ask him to move let them in!).

You may well wonder what this has to do with me having frequent showers. Well, it occurred to me that, if he is leaving his front door (which is just outside our bathroom window) when I am in the shower- and if the said bathroom window happens to be open at the time - then he might hear some moaning coming from it! The moaning-with-pleasure kind of moaning! And he might be forgiven for thinking that some kind of orgy is going on in there! Alas, not so........

The very first time I got this blister rash, when my son was just a baby, I discovered that hot water is really the only thing that can stop the unbearable itching. It has to be very hot water - just about as hot as you can possibly bear. Putting it onto the rash does not just soothes the itching, but causes an intensely pleasurable feeling. It really does make me moan. Although, joking apart, it is not a sexual thing: I don't start dreaming of the sexiest film star I can think of, or run out naked into the road to grab the nearest window cleaner! That said - ladies, if your love life is not good and you cannot find yourself a man, then getting this rash could possibly be an acceptable substitutes (although I cannot really recommend it in other ways, the hot water thing is definitely a plus - and remember that even the best men have their bad points too!).

Of course, you cannot just go out and get this rash (only weird people like me get it!). However, do not fear ladies, for I have this week discovered that if you can get hold of a North American plant called poison ivy and induce it to bring you out in a rash (something it apparently is rather prone to do) then you can evidently get the same effects from the hot water therapy. Somebody on a website discussing the effects of this plant actually said: "It sounds crazy but it is the best feeling I've ever had". Apparently the hot water causes histamine to be released, thus easing the itching. Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess.........

By the way, while trying to find an explanation for the hot water itch cure, I found that there is a weird kind of epilepsy which is induced by hot water - and there are apparently some adult patients who  ‘reported a sense of intense pleasure’ which made them continue pouring ‘hot water over the head until they lost consciousness’!

It sure is a strange old world out there...........