A RUINED DINNER, A RUINED LIFE

I started this yesterday...... 

My heart is heavy today. I feel sad and upset - and for once it isn`t my childrem causing my pain!

A is a young woman my children know, but she has become our friend too. We met her because she was the girlfriend of M, who used to go to school with my son. Our daughter became very good friends with him too, so he often came round. My kids used to joke that he could never make a decision about even the simplest thing, but he seemed to be quite a nice guy. Then he did manage to decide something - to go off travelling for a year! He ended up spending some time in Taiwan and met A there.

When M came back home, A was not happy at him leaving her and followed him here. M was not too pleased about this and was saying he did not want to commit to being with her, but eventually they moved in together. For a very long time M  kept saying he was still unsure, but eventually things seemed to improve and they appeared to be happy together. A got a job in the place where our son works and made lots of friends. She has such a lovely personality and is warm and friendly to everybody. We love her!

After they had been together maybe four years or so, M lost his job. He was then offered the chance of work in Australia. It was decided that he would go for a while and then, if he liked it there, A would follow later. Once there though and away from the relationship, M`s old doubts resurfaced. Then he met another girl and fell madly in love. This woman was apparently supposed to be some kind of Christian minister and M (an atheist) also `found God`, although whether he retained his new find I do not know! Back here though, poor A was dumped........

I have never known anyone so inconsolable. For absolutely ages, all she did was cry and talk about M. She had time off work with stress. After about a year though, she did seem a bit better. Then about a year ago she started to go out with a guy from work and improved dramatically. They always knew though that, now she was no longer in the relationship with M, she would only be able to stay in the country one more year. That time is up now. A went to Greece to stay with friends there for couple of months and the boyfriend joined her there too for a while. After Greece, A was going off travelling for a while and had spent most of her money on buying her tickets. Then she found out she was pregnant.

A was supposed to come round here with my son for dinner last night (Tuesday). I knew she had been unwell and suspected she might be pregnant, but didn`t have my suspicions confirmed until last night. A was supposed to come at 4:30 as she had a doctor's appointment not far from here. She kept contacting us to say she was going to come in an hour .......... then another hour...... and yet another! In the end, we gave up and ate the chicken curry that had been ready for eons! She eventually arrived after 10 p.m. And she didn't want her dinner when she got here......

She told us the full story when she arrived. She became pregnant in Greece, while her boyfriend was there with her. When she told him, he was originally supportive and said he was going to stand by her...... but then he changed his mind. A came back here (and was luckily allowed into the country, after much questioning, because she had a return ticken.) to try and sort things out. She had to give up her plans to go travelling - and lose all the money she spent on tickets etc - to come here.

It seems that her boyfriend says he loves her and that she loves him. A really wants to keep her baby. But, the boyfriend sounds as if he has a lot of problems with trust. Basically, he doesn't trust her to stay with him and he is jealous of her with other guys. A is a very warm, tactile person and she has so many friends of both sexes. Apparently, her boyfriend was even jealous of her talking to one of my husband's nephews at my 60th birthday party in the summer!

A actually phoned and told her boyfriend's parents about the pregnancy, as he hadn't told them. They were not nice at all (although she had previously got on well with them). They accused her of getting pregnant to stay in the country and even suggested that the baby might not even be their son's. I guess I can partly understand that they would be concerned. It is the boyfriend's insecurities that are causing the real problems though. Apparently he says she is 'too good' for him!

A is an extremely loyal person. She told us that she wants a relationship that will last for ever. She has only ever had four boyfriends and has never cheated on any of them. She just is not like that!

It is the timing of this unplanned pregnancy that is so bad. A has to go back to Taiwan and, at the moment, she is planning to return on Saturday and to have the pregnancy terminated there. She is telling her boyfriend that he has to, at least, go with her and be there with her during the operation and to pay for it. She feels, quite rightly, that it is the least he can do for her. Apparently, unmarried mothers are virtually unheard of in Taiwan; if a guy gets a girl pregnant then he has to marry her! For A it would be even more difficult as the child would be of mixed race and therefore experience major problems because of this. A says she just does not feel strong enough to cope.

We are all so, so upset about all this. We do not believe abortion is right in any situation - but with A, who wants to keep her baby, it is unthinkable. I said to her that she is going to find it incredibly hard to get over this, if she does go through with the operation...... and she agreed. I fear that she will never recover from it. We feel we want to do something to help..... but what on earth can we do, apart from pray for her?

People these days think they can go and have sex as much as they want. They put so much faith in contaception..... yet there still seem to be many unplanned pregnancies. And many abortions...... Nobody seems to connect having sex with a possible pregnancy any more, or to ask themselves what problems they would encounter if it did happen. And nobody seems to think of the baby's rights in all of this.

This is A's baby. She wants him/her..... she would undoubtedly love and take good care of him/her. But now she is going to allow him/her to be cut out, obliterated, burned in an incinerator somewhere ........ just because some stupid guy cannot get over his own insecurities.

I pray that A will not go ahead with the operation. I pray that the boyfriend wil be given the strength to face his responsibilities. I pray that the lives of A - and her unborn child - will not be ruined.

In the middle of our sad talk with dear A the other night, we suddenly smelled burning and discovered that my husband had, for some unknown reason, left the saucepan containing the left-over curry heating up. The saucepan was so burned it had to be thrown away, but nobody was really bothered about the dinner, or the saucepan. What is one burned saucepan compared with two burned and ruined lives?

By the way, I missed out the fact that M  - A's original boyfriend who is now in Australia and who was the cause of A  being over here in the first place - has now been dumped by his girl friend (she met someone else while he was back visiting England in the summer). He is apparently now heartbroken and inconsolable himself!