Holes In The Sky

PILGRIMAGE

2012-01-17T15:10:00.003Z

This line is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
It's a Sunday or Monday
A march over months of the year

This life is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every death is an end in the race
It's a stopping and starting
A march over millions of years

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

This land is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every line is a place on a map
It's a city or valley
A mark on these miles of fields

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

This line is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
It's a Wednesday or Thursday
A march over months of the year

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

Take this
Mute mouth
Broken tongue.
Now this
Dark life
Is shot through with light

FOR EILEEN

2012-01-13T13:07:00.001Z

I am very sad today because Eileen - who has been a faithful commenter on here and a very good friend to me through the difficult days of Sandy's illness and death - is saying goodbye to her beloved dog Amber this evening.

I came across these pet loss videos and decided to post them here. They will make you cry Eileen, so don't look at them if you don't feel up to it. Much love to you and Amber and all youur family.

ONE SCROOGE, ONE SANTA

2012-01-03T13:47:00.000Z

I began this post days before Christmas, but just did not have time to finish it. I have updated it and am posing it anyway......

Two very different events took up my attention in the last week or so before Christmas....

Firstly, T, the guy I mentioned previously as having upset me on Facebook, was up to his tricks again!

I posted a dog quotation: 'One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why.' and his reply to that was: 'Those who claim the greatest affinity with a pet do not see the abject misery of abandonment when they are absent. Such animals have a life of repeated emotional stress. If you believe a dog has feelings then you can't decide when they apply.'

At first, all I said in reply was 'Happy Christmas'!' I also posted a rather cheeky status: 'Bah humbug! Scrooge is alive and still kicking!' Having thought about it for some time though , I decided enough was enough! Posting such a message as his to someone who has lost a dog recently seems to me to have no purpose other than to upset them. It was worse happening just before Christmas too; he really is a Scrooge!

I did write to him, explaining why I was deleting him and briefly touching on the previous occasions when he seriously upset me (like pulling apart two things I posted on my 60th birthday, but failing to say even one little word of good wishes to me.) I tried to be reasonable in my letter and said that when I visited their house I was made very welcome and that I had liked him then. I also wished him all the best for the future. He never even bothered to reply to my letter, which I think just highlights his lack of respect for me. I am so glad now that he is gone, that I will hopefully never have to worry about his comments again.

My main worry about my disagreement with him is that the old schoolfriend I reconnected with in the spring of 2011 is very friendly with his wife. I do not want to spoil their relationship, although luckily she is supportive and seems to have had her own issues with this guy and in fact deleted him herself, although I do not know why. She says that if her friendship with T's wife is affected by the argument with me, then it means it was not a genuine one. I guess she is right, although I would still feel guilty. Only time will tell what transpires.

Oh well.......

The other thing that happened immediately after the above events had upset me was much nicer, although a little sad too. On the Sunday afternoon one week before Christmas, hubby and I called into a local garden centre for a coffee. As we drove in, we saw that the car park was deserted apart from a car with two guys standing in front of it. There was a board advertising a car washing service. Straight away we could see that the guy nearest to us looked miserable, he had misery written all over his face. It was a cold afternoon and there obviously wasn't much business around, so who could blame him?

We got out from our car and had to walk past the two guys. My husband somehow got into a conversation about Christmas trees and they told him that all the garden centre's trees (which were not exactly cheap) had sold out the previous week. The miserable-looking guy then volunteered the information that he doesn't celebrate Christmas any more, not since his wife walked out on him four years ago.

What can you say to that? We talked to him for a while and tried to sound sympathetic. My husband started rambling on about how people these days give up on relationships too easily. He then said something about how we could have got divorced several times (can't you always rely on guys to say something nice? lol!). I then made a joke, telling my husband: "It's not too late, you know, I could still get rid of you!" To my surprise, the miserable guy laughed.- and, when my husband wished him a happy Christmas as we left them to go into the garden centre, he smiled and wished us the same. He had a really lovely smile, when he wasn't being miserable. We had really done nothing at all apart from talking to this guy for a few minutes, but somehow I had a strong sense that we had really cheered him up, at least temporarily. He did not seem like the same guy we had seen on the way in.

We went into the cafe there to have our coffee and my husband was delighted because we got a free mince pie to eat with it, as they had over-ordered! We sat there for some time, happily drinking and munching away and, in fact, got out the cards and the cribbage board and had a game of crib (something we tend to do quite often when we are out and about).

When we got back into the car park it was almost dark and there was no sign of the two guys. As I went to open the door of the car, something made me pause for a moment. Something..... maybe some sixth sense..... put an idea into my head. Before getting into the car, I looked at the ground..... and once inside, I looked around me. Then I saw what I had half been expecting......

My husband got in, after putting something into the boot. "Do you think?" I asked "That those two guys might have cleaned our car for us?" My husband looked surprised. "Don't be silly!" he said, but I pointed out that there was water on the windscreen and told him I had seen some on the ground outside too. Doubtingly, he got out again and inspected the bodywork, before getting back in and saying: "You know, I think they have. There was some bird poo on it that I had been meaning to wash off, but it is not there any more."

As we drove out from the car park, hubby spotted one of the two guys (the companion of the miserable one) driving out too and waved to him. We think maybe he had been waiting to see if we spotted what they had done.

You know, I don't care about cars, they can be big or small, clean or dirty - but somehow that gift of a car wash was probably the nicest gift I had this Christmas. I really pray that the guy's life improves soon and that he never again spends Christmas alone and miserable. I really do not think he deserves to.

MISSING SANDY

2012-01-02T18:22:00.002Z

It was sad being without my faithful friend on Christmas day. In the morning, I was deleting messages from my phone and came across the ones from our son when we were in Croatia during Sandy`s final days and shed a few tears at the memories. However, with daughter rushing off to hospital and our own illness too, I never had that much time to dwell on my sadness for very long during the rest of the holiday period.

I still cry about Sandy a lot and miss him every day. However, I am not so sad now when I think about the fact he died while we were away. There is still, even a few months later, an air of mystery surrounding the events of those few days. Although I ached so much to be here and hold and comfort Sandy, the things that happened in Croatia ~ the butterfly encircling us, the lizard that came to play, the song we most associated with him being played on the evening of his death ~ all add, even from a distance, a certain sense of awe and wonder. There are so many unexplained things in this life.

One thing that has never been in doubt is the fact that Sandy knew how much we all loved him and that we would never willingly abandon him. I myself told hm every day that I loved him and during his latter days I used to tell him I would love him for ever, even long after he was no longer with us. :-)

Sandy was amazing to have lived so long despite having so many health problems. Alhough he was frail in his last months, he had so much spirit. Just a few days before he died, he enjoyed a day sunbathing in the garden with our son.

When I read those final text messages the other day, I also came across this one sent by our daughter on the 25th July while we were in Greece, describing how Sandy had got up a really big step into our lounge all by himself: -

Lol! Sandy just came in from the garden up the step by patio doors. He is incredible!

And so he was...............

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2012-01-02T13:34:00.002Z

It is a belated one, i am afraid! I am writing this on my kindle, from my sick bed. I had a cold/cough which began Christmas Eve and lasted all week, but seemed at last to have almost gone. Then, it suddenly got worse - or at least, I thought it had until I realised I had acquired a new bug, this time a really horrible flu bug. Who knows if I have bird flu, tadpole flu or elephant flu (though I think it must be the latter, as I certainly feel as big as an elephant at the moment). Whatever it is, you can take my word for it that you do not want it, cos it is `orrible!

My husband has followed me, catching both bugs on the same day as me. This second one has hit me much harder though - my coughing fits are something to behold! It is odd, because he is normally the one to get a bad chest with these bugs. The other strange thing is where we acquired this latest germ from, as we have literally not left the house for ages. It must have flown in through the window!

Happy new year everybody. It can only get better, surely?

LIFE'S A GAS

2011-12-26T15:57:00.000Z

Daughter was sent home after spending over four hours in the hospital, because the tests they ran all came back negative. She still has the pain though. We will just have to see how she goes on....

It was a strange day yesterday. We had a very late dinner. Daughter had been complaining of pain for two or three days - but then, she often gets pain and has been to hospital with it in the past. She said this pain was different though and during dinner it got worse. I was concerned when she said it was now a constant throbbing and that it was tender to touch. I told my husbamd to ring the hospital for advice, but they just told him to ring either our doctor or 999. He rang 999 because he didn`t want to wait hours for a doctor to come out as he/she would probably only then send her on to hospital. Anyway, switchboard operator wanted to talk to our daughter and asked lots of questions, at the end of which she was told to ring a doctor. She was in the process of taking down a phone number when there was a knock at the door and - to our great surprise - it was a first response medic. Still not quite sure how that happened!

The medic asked more questions and took her temperature - which was slightly raised. He made it clear he was pretty certain she had appendicitis. The funny thing was, he gave her gas and air for the pain. She was extremely nervous of having it, but in the end loved it because it made her feel very happy! She was very amusing and I am pretty sure the amusing things she was saying brightened the medic`s day considerably.

Because hubby had had alcohol, he was unable to drive and, of course, there are no buses on Christmas day. The medic was pretty sure they would keep her in overnight so, although one of us could have gone with her in the ambulance, we decided in the end not to. Daughter had to get a taxi home which cost her £25.

While she was away we watched a DVD of our son`s called Amores Peros (Life`s A Bitch). It was watchable but pretty violent. There was dog fighting in it and lots of either dead or injured dogs - but strangely it didn`t upset me and I even quite enjoyed the film. All in all, an extremely strange and unusual Christmas day!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

2011-12-25T21:43:00.000Z

Well, it was one up until just after our (very late) lunch..... then my daughter got carted off to hospital with suspected appendicitis. We are waiting to hear what is going to happen, whether they are going to operate or what.

You really never know what is going to happen next. I hope your Christmas is going better........

SANDY - TWO PHOTOS

2011-12-20T13:17:00.004Z

AM IN NEED OF SOME COLDPLAY!

2011-12-01T13:54:00.001Z

A RUINED DINNER, A RUINED LIFE

2011-11-30T11:09:00.001Z

I started this yesterday......

My heart is heavy today. I feel sad and upset - and for once it isn`t my childrem causing my pain!

A is a young woman my children know, but she has become our friend too. We met her because she was the girlfriend of M, who used to go to school with my son. Our daughter became very good friends with him too, so he often came round. My kids used to joke that he could never make a decision about even the simplest thing, but he seemed to be quite a nice guy. Then he did manage to decide something - to go off travelling for a year! He ended up spending some time in Taiwan and met A there.

When M came back home, A was not happy at him leaving her and followed him here. M was not too pleased about this and was saying he did not want to commit to being with her, but eventually they moved in together. For a very long time M kept saying he was still unsure, but eventually things seemed to improve and they appeared to be happy together. A got a job in the place where our son works and made lots of friends. She has such a lovely personality and is warm and friendly to everybody. We love her!

After they had been together maybe four years or so, M lost his job. He was then offered the chance of work in Australia. It was decided that he would go for a while and then, if he liked it there, A would follow later. Once there though and away from the relationship, M`s old doubts resurfaced. Then he met another girl and fell madly in love. This woman was apparently supposed to be some kind of Christian minister and M (an atheist) also `found God`, although whether he retained his new find I do not know! Back here though, poor A was dumped........

I have never known anyone so inconsolable. For absolutely ages, all she did was cry and talk about M. She had time off work with stress. After about a year though, she did seem a bit better. Then about a year ago she started to go out with a guy from work and improved dramatically. They always knew though that, now she was no longer in the relationship with M, she would only be able to stay in the country one more year. That time is up now. A went to Greece to stay with friends there for couple of months and the boyfriend joined her there too for a while. After Greece, A was going off travelling for a while and had spent most of her money on buying her tickets. Then she found out she was pregnant.

A was supposed to come round here with my son for dinner last night (Tuesday). I knew she had been unwell and suspected she might be pregnant, but didn`t have my suspicions confirmed until last night. A was supposed to come at 4:30 as she had a doctor's appointment not far from here. She kept contacting us to say she was going to come in an hour .......... then another hour...... and yet another! In the end, we gave up and ate the chicken curry that had been ready for eons! She eventually arrived after 10 p.m. And she didn't want her dinner when she got here......

She told us the full story when she arrived. She became pregnant in Greece, while her boyfriend was there with her. When she told him, he was originally supportive and said he was going to stand by her...... but then he changed his mind. A came back here (and was luckily allowed into the country, after much questioning, because she had a return ticken.) to try and sort things out. She had to give up her plans to go travelling - and lose all the money she spent on tickets etc - to come here.

It seems that her boyfriend says he loves her and that she loves him. A really wants to keep her baby. But, the boyfriend sounds as if he has a lot of problems with trust. Basically, he doesn't trust her to stay with him and he is jealous of her with other guys. A is a very warm, tactile person and she has so many friends of both sexes. Apparently, her boyfriend was even jealous of her talking to one of my husband's nephews at my 60th birthday party in the summer!

A actually phoned and told her boyfriend's parents about the pregnancy, as he hadn't told them. They were not nice at all (although she had previously got on well with them). They accused her of getting pregnant to stay in the country and even suggested that the baby might not even be their son's. I guess I can partly understand that they would be concerned. It is the boyfriend's insecurities that are causing the real problems though. Apparently he says she is 'too good' for him!

A is an extremely loyal person. She told us that she wants a relationship that will last for ever. She has only ever had four boyfriends and has never cheated on any of them. She just is not like that!

It is the timing of this unplanned pregnancy that is so bad. A has to go back to Taiwan and, at the moment, she is planning to return on Saturday and to have the pregnancy terminated there. She is telling her boyfriend that he has to, at least, go with her and be there with her during the operation and to pay for it. She feels, quite rightly, that it is the least he can do for her. Apparently, unmarried mothers are virtually unheard of in Taiwan; if a guy gets a girl pregnant then he has to marry her! For A it would be even more difficult as the child would be of mixed race and therefore experience major problems because of this. A says she just does not feel strong enough to cope.

We are all so, so upset about all this. We do not believe abortion is right in any situation - but with A, who wants to keep her baby, it is unthinkable. I said to her that she is going to find it incredibly hard to get over this, if she does go through with the operation...... and she agreed. I fear that she will never recover from it. We feel we want to do something to help..... but what on earth can we do, apart from pray for her?

People these days think they can go and have sex as much as they want. They put so much faith in contaception..... yet there still seem to be many unplanned pregnancies. And many abortions...... Nobody seems to connect having sex with a possible pregnancy any more, or to ask themselves what problems they would encounter if it did happen. And nobody seems to think of the baby's rights in all of this.

This is A's baby. She wants him/her..... she would undoubtedly love and take good care of him/her. But now she is going to allow him/her to be cut out, obliterated, burned in an incinerator somewhere ........ just because some stupid guy cannot get over his own insecurities.

I pray that A will not go ahead with the operation. I pray that the boyfriend wil be given the strength to face his responsibilities. I pray that the lives of A - and her unborn child - will not be ruined.

In the middle of our sad talk with dear A the other night, we suddenly smelled burning and discovered that my husband had, for some unknown reason, left the saucepan containing the left-over curry heating up. The saucepan was so burned it had to be thrown away, but nobody was really bothered about the dinner, or the saucepan. What is one burned saucepan compared with two burned and ruined lives?

By the way, I missed out the fact that M - A's original boyfriend who is now in Australia and who was the cause of A being over here in the first place - has now been dumped by his girl friend (she met someone else while he was back visiting England in the summer). He is apparently now heartbroken and inconsolable himself!

GARY SPEED

2011-11-28T15:22:00.001Z

I was so sad to hear of the death of Gary Speed..... not because he was a football manager, but because he is obviously somebody who was loved and valued by many. Sadly, that did not prevent him - for whatever reason - taking his own life.

Via the Facebook page of another Welshman, Martyn Joseph, I came across this blog with a beautiful poem dedicated to Gary Speed. Please take a look.....

SOUL SURMISE: WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND?

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.

2011-11-26T13:52:00.001Z

Well, we got back from Croatia okay, despite a last minute panic at Trieste airport because my case was a whole kilo overweight, resulting in a mad panic to transfer stuff to hubby's cabin bag. We ended up with me being half a kilo under the allowed 15 - which meant I actually had no need to ditch the complimentary toiletries from the lovely hotel we spent our last night in! :-(

So, home again..... and back to problems with a bang! I haven't been feeling wonderfully well myself; just seem to feel awful every morning when I first wake up. No idea why, but really need to get the old fitness programme going again. It wasn't going too well before July, but the double whammy of an injured knee and Sandy's death killed it dead! Now, I do not seem to be able to get it going again. My clothes are tight, so I have actually put on weight instead of losing it!!! I admit that I have been very much eating for comfort....... but I have to STOP!!!!!

Daughter has been ill since choking (and - she reckons - almost dying!) while eating her lunch in her car around a month ago. She was only eating rice and tinned tuna (not even any bones!) but from that moment on she has had a terrible cough. Antibiotics failed to fix her, so the doctor sent her for a chest x-ray which showed infection in the tubes going down to the lungs. Now she is on an even stronger dose of antibiotics. It has all really dragged her down, poor girl! She may be a tiny bit better now, not sure......... but I am wondering what will happen if the food remains lodged in those tubes? She said the doctor seemed surprised by the whole thing and really didn't provide much information!

Hubby is at the football at the moment; he has a season ticket now, because of the super new stadium they have (I think it looks awful from the outside, a bit like a roller-coaster ride!). He had a row with his brother yesterday, becuse he had promised him a game of golf and then let him down. I have my own reasons for having been upset with b-i-l at the moment. He doesn't listen properly to what other people say and does what he wants 99% of the time!

Another big problem at the moment is that their one remaining sister - the one with a schizophrenic-related illness - is in a psychiatric hospital again. Just before we went away, she went into hospspital to have her second breast removed; the first one was removed several years ago because of a pre-cancerous condition, but recently they found a very small, early cancer in the other one (that means all three sisters had breast cancer). Anyway, she had the op before we went and all seemed fine..... but when we came back, we were surprised to hear she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital not long after we went. Anyway, hubby and his brother have been cleaning out her flat. OMG, the state of it! Hubby got the job of cleaning the bathroom (b-i-l and his wife did it three years ago, so I guess it was hubby's turn!). Well...... it seems she never cleans anything at all...... and I do mean anythin!. Apart from dust and dirt everywhere, a million bottles of cleaning stuff etc in the bath (why does she have thenm if she doesn't clean?) and an old bath-mat corroded to it, there was also..... and there is no easy way to say this...... lots of poo! It was all over the toilet and quite a lot was on the floor too.

It is a difficult problem..... I personally do not believe she should be living on her own, but the only alternative is an old people's home. Sadly, she can be a very difficult person so none of us have ever wanted to have her (had anyone done so, I think there would have been some broken marriages in the family and probably a few nervous breakdowns too!), so an old people's home would most likely either chuck her out, or drug her and turn her into a cabbage. She does have a lively mind and can be very sociable. By coincidence, the organisation which owns the flat were just about to do an inspection of it: now, they will find it clean..... but who knows what would have happened if she had not gone into hospital. It is hard for hubby and his brother to clean the flat while she is actualy in there, but I guess they will have to try to arrange something now. She had a cleaner for a time, but presumably that arrangement ended. One of their late sisters spent a lot of time and effort in getting her into the flat eight years ago, but I do wonder if she would be better out (though you cannot mention that to the close family of the sister who got her in there!). Unfortunately, before this she was in a shared home and seemed happy there (especially when they were cooking for her!) but she had to leave (possibly because it was only meant as a temporary home and there were only a certain number of years that someone could stay there). She pays a friend (at least she was a friend, before she started paying her!) to spend time with her; she does some shopping and very occasionally spends the night there too, so I do wonder what she thought about the state of the bathroom!

Anyway..... you can see that we got thrown right bang straight into life's problems when we got back and hardly knew what hit us! We have had a couple of great nights out though, the past two Fridays. Yesterday, we went to see a Greek band at a music bar in Brighton. The band was really good and our Greek teacher was there with some of the students from her other classes. The previous week, we went up to a place near Gulidford in Surrey to see one of our favourite singers, Martyn Joseph. That was another great evening, except for the fact that I disgraced myself at the end by swooning at Martyn's feet. Okay, that isn't quite true!...... I have a long-standing problem with feeling faint after eating out in restaurants; my doctore says it is to do with my digestion and is apparently surprisingly common. Anyway, last Friday just fitted in a meal in a local pub before rushing off to the concert. I really enjoyed the concert; I did feel a bit unwell in the interval, but recovered and was fine until the very last song of the encore, when I felt increasingly faint. Fortunately, I made it through to the end but afterwards putting my head down failed to help and knew I had to lie down. Now, the concert was, somewhat unusually, actually in a church and the stone floors didn't look an attractinve proposition to lie down on! However, hubby spotted a patch of carpet at the top of the left-hand aisle, so I made a bee-line for it - hoping I wouldn't pass out on the way! I made it to the carpet okay and soon felt better once I was lying down, but I was very aware that a small group of men chatting very close to me (and whom I had had to pass during my flight to the carpet) included Martyn Joseph himself. He is usually an extremely nice guy to chat to, but on this occasion he just ignored me! As somebody else said to me, I guess he must bbe used to women swooning at his feet! Lol! Hubby though very kindly pointed out that he probably ignored me because he thought I was drunk. That really made me feel a whole load better!

So, that's an update on recent events! You can, I think, see that life chez the Seeker household is full of problems, but still quite interesting. You just never know what will happen next here!

By the way, will those of you who believe please pray for Eileen, who has become a really good email-friend via this blog. Eileen's beloved dog Amber has recently been diagnosed with an incurable tumour. I know what she is going through so well.....

You can read Eileen's blog here: ANOTHER COFFEE TO GO

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM ABROAD

2011-11-10T20:43:00.001Z

Around midday Monday the weather improved and we have had some nice, warm days (though there was thick fog first thing on Thursday morning). I have not been feeling at all well though - just totally exhausted with no energy. Maybe it is related to the fact that most nights I have woken in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and not feeling good. Last night was better though and today Friday I feel a bit more rested. Hubby is at dentist at the moment.

The food has been pretty yukky this week, with everything soaked in either fat or vinegar! We are hoping things might be better tonight (please God!) as I believe some more guests are expected! On Sunday, the hotel is actually being closed for two weeks - although as they accidentally took our booking for the night, they agreed to house us in the next hotel along (the Eden) for the same price. A big company, Maistra, owns several hotels - four of which are in this little area in the trees and near the beaches. Two are newly built and very luxurious. The Eden is the other older one.

Yesterday evening my husband decided to walk up to the Eden and check how far we will have to transport our cases. Whilst there, he called in to check they are expecting us - only to be told that it had just been decided to close the Eden too! So now we are apparently going to the Lone - one of the two new hotels and five star! It is mainly a hotel meant for business people, I believe, but is very luxurious. Should be interesting, folks! We will take lots of photos!

It is so good to feel a bit better today - I had been worrying how on earth I would survive the journey home, so it is a big relief to feel a little better!

I am worrying quite a lot about our daughter though. About two weeks ago there was a nasty incident when she was alone in her car during her lunch hour and she almost choked on some tuna. Ever since, she has been coughing a lot. She went to the doctor this week and was told it could have caused some scarring. She is on antibiotics now and not feeling at all good.

She also - at long last - mentioned some female problems she has every month wih unexpected bleeding and pains. I have been telling her for just so long that she had to go back and get herself checked out. Whenever she has seen anyone in the past, they have always said she is okay but now it has gone on so long they have to check it out! The doctor she saw the other night said he will seek advice from a gynaecologist.

Hubby is a long time at the dentist - he has been gone two hours. They always take their time here though! Unfortunately, hubby is going to have to come back here again in six months to have the permanent implant put in. Today, they are just putting in the temporary one. He had the peg it is attached to - and which fuses to the bone - put in on Monday.

Bye for now. xxxxx

LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN

2011-11-07T17:45:00.000Z

It rained most of the day yesterday. Being Sunday, we made our way up the cobbled streets to the church for Mass. When we came out, it was raining heavily and, as the stones become slippery in wet weather I walked down the hiill extremely slowly and carefully. I do not want any more injuries, thank you very much!

One of the reasons we like this hotel is because the food is good. It is all self-service and there is lots of choice. The first two nights this trip, there was a big party from Austria here and the dining room was busy. Last night though, we were most surprised to find that we were the only ones in the dining room, so were not really given a choice of food (most of it was good, but we were given some beef soup which was so revolting and greasy we couldn`t eat it!).

For some reason, I found the thought of us being the only guests in this big hotel so funny, I couldn`t stop laughing. they do say that laughter is good for the soul, do they not! This morning at breakfast though, there were actually three other people so we are not quite as alone as we thought!

BACK IN ROVINJ AGAIN

2011-11-04T22:06:00.000Z

So......... we are back in Rovinj - safely tucked up in our room after having had a delicious meal and shared a lovely bottle of wine!

It is a miracle we got here at all! For starters, the journey up to the B&B near Stansted airport was a nightmare because of torrential rain. Two places we passed through were mentioned on the radio soon after as being closed due to flooding. We honestly thought we would never make it safely!

Then this morning we almost missed the plane! There was no excuse for this, as we actuaaly arrived at the airport the earliest ever. There were no queues and I guess we somehow got lulled into a false sense of security. At quite a late stage, hubby took us off for a cup of coffee and by the time we had finished it and finally managed to pay, we were horrified to discover that our flight was showing as «last call»! We then found we needed to take a train to the gate, but had just missed one and had to wait three minutes fot the next one! When we eventually arrived at the gate - stressed and exhausted - we were told the gate was closed! Luckily about four or five others arrived at the same time as us and they were persuaded to let us on! The plane still left on time, so am not sure what the problem was. Ryan Air do seem to have a thing about flights always arriving on time -but are obviously a bit over-zealous!

Phew!

JUST SAYING HELLO!

2011-10-28T14:11:00.001+01:00

Am not getting very much time for blogging at the moment! We spend quite a lot of time at the club, swimming or playing tennis. When we have been at home, my husband has been on the computer a lot. The days when I could use the computer whenever I wanted are long gone!

We are off to Croatia next Friday (although we are spending the Thursday night at a B&B near Stansted). Have got so much to do before we go........... will never be ready on time! Gotta get back to the ironing now, in fact! Think I am looking forward to Croatia, although it will of course remind me of what happened when we were there the last time!!

Next Monday is, of course, Halloween - and our daughter's 31st birthday! Where on earth did the years go?

Anyway, that's all I have time for now. If you don't hear from me before, I might get a chance to blog from Croatia when we are there, depending on whether I get free Internet accesss on my kindle okay. It was alright at the beginning of our holiday in August, but then let us down badly just when Sandy was ill and we needed to keep in constant touch with our son. The Internet connection seemed to get bad at the same time as the weather became much hotter, so hopefully it might be okay again now it is winter. Otherwise, you can pay for wireless access from the hotel: I have no idea how much this costs, but these places usually seem to charge too much for it!

Will talk soon.......

US AGAINST THE WORLD

2011-10-24T22:34:00.000+01:00

This is the Coldplay concert I saw live from my bed in a B&B in Kent on the 9th July - the day after my 60th birthday.

And this is the song that made me decide I just HAD to get their new album.....

Oh morning 
Come bursting
The clouds amen
Lift off this blindfold, let me see again
And bring back the water that your ships rode in
In my heart she left a hole

The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties
The devil as he's talking with those angel's eyes
And I just want to be there when the lightning strikes
And the saints go marching in

And sing
Slow-owow-owow-owow-it down
Through chaos as it swirls 
It's just us against the world

Like a river to a raindrop 
I lost a friend
My drunken has a Daniel in a lion's den
And tonight I know it all has to begin again
So whatever you do, don't let go

And if we could float away
Fly up to the surface 
And just start again
And lift off before trouble just erodes us in the rain 
Just erodes us in the rain
Just erodes us, and see roses in the rain

Sing 
Slow-owow-owow-owow-it down 
Oh, slow-owow-owow-owow-it down

Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

Through chaos as it swirls
It's us against the world

DOG POETRY: PART 11

2011-10-24T18:20:00.000+01:00

Gene Hill Dog Quote

This one really made me cry! Sandy was all this to me...... and more!

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.)

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.

His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me... whenever... wherever — in case I need him. And I expect I will — as I always have. He is just my dog.

From Tears and Laughter by Gene Hill

COLDPLAY

2011-10-23T17:31:00.001+01:00

For me, my past life is always remembered via music - and this past summer was definitely the summer of Coldplay! After my 60th birthday, my husband took me away for a couple of nights and on the first night in Kent, I watched Coldplay on TV playing somewhere in Scotland. It was such a great concert and I so wished I could have been there!

Tomorrow, Coldplay's new album is - at long last - going on sale (I pre-ordered my copy from iTunes some time ago!).

Here's a little preview of 'Paradise'. I so love this song......

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/coldplay/paradise_20980626.html ]
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

DOG POETRY: PART 10

2011-10-17T17:03:00.003+01:00

I noticed an ad in our local newspaper on Saturday. It was amongst all the ads for pet products, so it was sheer luck that I spotted it. It was actually an 'in memoriam' entry for a golden retriever called Millie who was born on the 14th May 2000 and died on the 29th October 2011. There was a picture of the dog - who looked a bit like Sandy - and there was this poem: -

When God had made the earth and sky,
The flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals,
The fish, the birds and bees.

And when at last He'd finished,
Not one was quite the same,
God said, "I'll walk this earth of mine,
And give each one a name."

And so He traveled far and wide,
And everywhere He went,
A little creature followed Him,
Until its strength was spent.

When all were named upon the earth,
And in the sky and sea,
The little creature said, "Dear Lord,
There's not one left for me."

Kindly the Father said to him,
"I've left you to the end,
I've turned my own name back to front,
And call you DOG, my friend."

DOG POETRY: PART 9

2011-10-15T15:54:00.005+01:00

This is not actually a poem, but it is really lovely!

The Last Will and Testament of An Extremely Distinguished Dog

This is the full version of Eugene O'Neill's The Last Will and Testament of An Extremely Distinguished Dog, which he wrote to console his wife Carlotta shortly before their dog Blemie's death from the illnesses of old age.

Last Will and Testament

I, Silverdene Emblem O'Neill (familiarly known to my family, friends and acquaintances as Blemie), because the burden of my years is heavy upon me, and I realize the end of my life is near, do hereby bury my last will and testament in the mind of my Master. He will not know it is there until I am dead. Then, remembering me in his loneliness, he will suddenly know of this testament, and I ask him then to inscribe it as a memorial to me.

I have little in the way of material things to leave. Dogs are wiser than men. They do not set great store upon things. They do not waste their time hoarding property. They do not ruin their sleep worrying about objects they have, and to obtain the objects they have not. There is nothing of value I have to bequeath except my love and my faith. These I leave to those who have loved me, to my Master and Mistress, who I know will mourn me most, to Freeman who has been so good to me, to Cyn and Roy and Willie and Naomi and — but if I should list all those who have loved me it would force my Master to write a book. Perhaps it is in vain of me to boast when I am so near death, which returns all beasts and vanities to dust, but I have always been an extremely lovable dog.

I ask my Master and Mistress to remember me always, but not to grieve for me too long. In my life I have tried to be a comfort to them in time of sorrow, and a reason for added joy in their happiness. It is painful for me to think that even in death I should cause them pain. Let them remember that while no dog has ever had a happier life (and this I owe to their love and care for me), now that I have grown blind and deaf and lame, and even my sense of smell fails me so that a rabbit could be right under my nose and I might not know, my pride has sunk to a sick, bewildered humiliation. I feel life is taunting me with having over lingered my welcome. It is time I said good-by, before I become too sick a burden on myself and on those who love me.

It will be sorrow to leave them, but not a sorrow to die. Dogs do not fear death as men do. We accept it as part of life, not as something alien and terrible which destroys life. What may come after death, who knows? I would like to believe with those of my fellow Dalmatians who are devout Mohammedans, that there is a Paradise where one is always young and full-bladdered; here all the day one dillies and dallies with an amorous multitude of houris, beautifully spotted; where jack-rabbits that run fast but not too fast (like the houris) are as the sands of the desert; where each blissful hour is mealtime; where in long evenings there are a million fireplaces with logs forever burning and one curls oneself up and blinks into the flames and nods and dreams, remembering the old brave days on earth, and the love of one's Master and Mistress.

I am afraid this is too much for even such a dog as I am to expect. But peace, at least, is certain. Peace and long rest for weary old heart and head and limbs, and eternal sleeps in the earth I have loved so well. Perhaps, after all, this is best.

One last request I earnestly make. I have heard my Mistress say, "When Blemie dies we must never have another dog. I love him so much I could never love another one." Now I would ask her, for love of me, to have another. It would be a poor tribute to my memory never to have a dog again. What I would like to feel is that, having once had me in the family, now she cannot live without a dog! I have never had a narrow jealous spirit. I have always held that most dogs are good (and one cat, the black one I have permitted to share the living-room rug during the evenings, whose affection I have tolerated in a kindly spirit, and in rare sentimental moods, even reciprocated a trifle). Some dogs, of course, are better than others. Dalmatians, naturally, as everyone knows, are best.

So I suggest a Dalmatian as my successor. He can hardly be as well bred, or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome as I was in my prime. My Master and Mistress must not ask the impossible. But he will do his best, I am sure, and even his inevitable defects will help by comparison to keep my memory green. To him I bequeath my collar and leash and my overcoat and raincoat, made to order in 1929 at Hermes in Paris. He can never wear them with the distinction I did, walking around the Place Vendome, or later along Park Avenue, all eyes fixed on me in admiration; but again I am sure he will do his utmost not to appear a mere gauche provincial dog. Here on the ranch, he may prove himself quite worthy of comparison, in some respects. He will, I presume, come closer to jackrabbits than I have been able to in recent years. And, for all his faults, I hereby wish him the happiness I know will be his in my old home.

One last word of farewell, Dear Master and Mistress. Whenever you visit my grave, say to yourselves with regret but also with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long happy life with you: "here lies one who loved us and whom we loved." No matter how deep my sleep I shall hear you, and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail.

THE LION'S MANE by TREVOR HALL

2011-10-14T13:17:00.000+01:00

Well I woke up in the Lion's Mane
Kissing silhouettes of mountains dancing in the moonlight
Am I awake or is this a dream?
Or am I awaking into a state of wakefulness
Buried deep in my deepest dreaming sleep?

You can only guess what happened next.....

I swallowed an apple seed and gave birth to angel's wings
Which lifted me to the top of this orange grove
Where I saw a man trying to count
All the oranges
All the trees
And all the leaves

Turns out this man was me
Losing count and starting over
Losing count and starting over
Chasing my own tale until I got dizzy
And fell asleep in the clouds
Well I woke up in the Lion's Mane
On a single lane road deep within God's Dreadlocks
When I gave my banana to the blind man
Only to realize who was really blind
My eyes couldn't decide
My eyes couldn't define

My eyes couldn't see that this blind man was me

We then continued to a village of meeting rivers
Where Mother Earth washed me down and gave me a new birth
Where my sight was restored
And I could see all the gems hiding on the ocean's floor
Well I dove in
Actually did a canon ball
And swam deeper and deeper
As things got clearer and clearer

And when I saw all of the sharks
I wasn't afraid
For this time enshrined in my heart was the Almighty's Name
I think my sanity has gone insane
I woke up in the Lion's Mane

MY CHILDREN: PART ONE

2011-10-14T12:53:00.004+01:00

It's been a long while since I brought you up to date with the latest events in my children's lives. So, here goes......

MY DAUGHTER
Just after we came back from Croatia last year (the year we came home to find Sandy half dead from a stroke) our daughter, having been unemployed for a few years, finally got a job as a receptionist at a lovely country hotel in Surrey. She was extremely nervous and found it hard at first to get to grips with the computer system etc. After a little while she seemed to grasp it though and to begin to quite enjoy the work.

She was told she had to live in, but was very depressed when she saw her room! The staff quarters were in an old mansion at the back of the hotel. It was damp and musty and hadn't seen a coat of paint for years. Just outside her room was a toilet and shower room, but the shower had been ripped out and the walls were undecorated. It could have been a public loo - and one of the worse kind, at that! And she was charged for this luxurious accommodation!

She thought at first she was going to have a room to herself, but when she arrived she found herself sharing with an African girl who worked in the kitchens. The first day, somebody told her that this girl was actually going to be sacked, but nobody had told her yet! It was actually a few weeks before the girl finally left. She was okay, they got on quite well. She often had to get up at 5am to work in the kitchen though and our daughter didn't start work til later (either at 8 am or in the afternoon, depending on which shift she was on).

On our daughter's first day at the hotel, one of the managers - a balding, overweight guy in his 40s - invited her to go for a coffee with him in the nearby little town. She was a bit dubious; why was he doing this? Anyway, this guy latched onto her and they became friendly. She made it clear to him early on that she only wanted to be friends though. She found out that he had pancreatic cancer (a cancer that very few people survive) so she felt very sorry for him. But as time went on, she began to realise he was pretty weird......

Almost at once, he had to go to hospital for a little operation. He asked her to take him to the hospital which was several miles away. He actually mentioned to another manager that she would need that particular morning off to take him, even before he had told her. She took him to the hospital, but he began to act very strangely, trying to completely dominate her life. She again became worried and stressed to him that she only wanted to be friends, but he got very angry and said of course he only wanted to be friends, how could she think otherwise......

There were many strange things about this guy. and in the end we didn't know what was truth and what was fiction........ He said he had previously had a fall on a slippery floor in the kitchen and that his heart stopped about 8 times as a result, but that the overall manager threatened him with dismissal if he tried to claim compensation (mind you, the overall manager was not a very nice person, so maybe that bit was true!). After his first operation, he said he was not to be left alone and our daughter slept the night in a chair in his room! He refused to wear pyjamas though, saying he always slept naked! He was covered by a sheet so I don't think she saw anything (lol!) but, as you can imagine, I was not happy when I heard that! Another time, he told her he was impotent...... and he also told her he had sussed out that she was a virgin! Yet, if she protested about any of these things, he got angry. He wanted to take over her life, basically! We met him once, the only time we ever visited the hotel - and he was seriously weird...... he made sure he met us though and was angling for an invitation to come out with us as we were going for a meal in a local pub. No way!

Our daughter wanted to move out of the hotel because the accommodation was so dire. Although it was actually in the contract that she had to live in, everybody said that they could not hold anyone to that. The weird guy wanted her to move into a flat with him and at first she actually agreed, although he was annoyed when she refused his idea to share one room with her! He had another operation and told her that he had to come off his heart pills beforehand and that he had an extremely high (I think it was around 90%) chance of having a heart attack. I said to my daughter there was no way I believed they would do take him off the pills and then do an operation with those odds - and leave him to just carry on working in the meantime. She told him she wasn't going to move in with him and even refused to take him to the hospital after that.

Fortunately, a room became vacant in a house where a young couple who worked at the hotel were living and our daughter was offered it. She moved in some time in November (it had to be delayed a day or so because of the snow!) and was happy there. The weird guy no longer talked to her (cue big sighs of relief from all of us!). She seemed to be quite happy working there and I was so pleased, thinking she was finally settled for a while. It was actually nice, having her living there. She chatted to us on the computer every day and always came home on her days off, but I enyojed my little bit of freedom and I am sure she did too. I actually believed that things were, at last, going right...............

It was not to last! (What, you guessed as much? How on earth did you manage that, you clever thing?) The hotel had a bookings office which - you will be surprised to hear - dealt with bookings, although at other times (i.e. when the office was closed) reception also took bookings, necessitating some communication between the two departments. There was a girl in bookings who was agressive and nasty and she suddenly took a dislike to our daughter. I think our daughter made a little mistake and this girl seized on it and started acting in a bullying way. Once she stood over our daughter during a phone call with a member of the public, made her feel extremely intimidated and then picked her up on a mistake in the information our daughter gave out on the phone!

Just after this, at the end of January, our daughter had a few days off because she was in a pantomime here. The panto was great and our daughter had the best of times being in it. When she got back to work though, she found out that the nasty girl had complained to the overall manager that our daughter was useless. He called a meeting in her abscence during which the reception manager apparently supported her and said she wasn't useless and that he wanted her to stay. In spite of this, she was given a warning which told her she had X amount of time to improve......

Daughter went into work early the next morning - but had to rush off into the loo straight away to be vomit and went off sick for the rest of the day. When she returned, she handed in her notice. Hubby helped her write a very impressive letter refuting everything and pointing out that they had dealt with the whole matter very unprofessionally. I think she really shocked them by fighting back: they really never expected her to do so. The overall manager there is a pretty sleazy character himself and as about 99% of the staff are foreign anyway, they get away unshallenged with treating their staff appallingly. Legally though, we did not have a leg to stand on as our daughter had only been there four months.

It was such a shame, as for a while our daughter had been happy there. It was a beautiful hotel. We only visted once - on November 5th - but a guy in the lovely restaurant showed us the rooms in the older part of the hotel. These were very historic: that part of the hotel was once an old courthouse. We were going to stay there (at discounted staff rates) and also have a day in the lovely spa they have there: I would have loved that, but sadly my husband delayed (me, I would have booked up at once!) and we ended up never going there again!

I personally got very depressed as a result of the above events: they really affected me badly! I had been so convinced that at last things were beginning to go right for one of my children, that the tide was turning. Silly, silly me to think such a thing!

Our daughter was lucky in that she got another job in a busy hotel on Brighton sea front almost at once. It was so much bigger than her previous hotel, but had no more staff on reception! She got very tired there and was very fed up because there were no seats in reception, so they had to stand for the entire shift. The late shift went on until 11 pm (as opposed to 10 pm in the Surrey hotel) and she could not leave until she had balanced everything, so sometimes if there was a problem (often not even caused by her, but by the people who worked in the restaurant!) and she could be there there till 12:30. She didn't last very long there! It was definitely not the job for her; although it was a shame as she really got on well with the girl who was the reception manager.

After that, she applied for any old job..... and got one very quickly, answering the phone in a drainage and plumbing company! That was okay at first, although it has deteriorated somewhat now. Like many places, they are making changes and most of the staff are stressed and unhappy. Our daughter is being given more and more extra work to do - though she only earns around the minimum wage!

Daughter's social life mainly centres around the gym: she is totally addicted to the classes there and often does not one but three hard classes after work. She has got to know people there and sometimes sees them socially (she has another old guy there who seems obsessed with her!). This weekend, she is going with them all to a fitness weekend at a place at the eastern edge of Sussex.

Her drinking is still a big worry for us. She had six months without alcohol some time back, but unfortunately went back on it! When she has a bad night out she always says she has learned her lesson and will never drink again - but the next time she is somewhere they are having a glass of wine, she cannot resist. Most of the time, she is okay, but it seems to be that once she reaches a certain point, she cannot stop. How she has survived thus far without some major disaster happening as a result of her drinking, the Lord above alone can know! She puts herself at great risk at times!

She still goes on all the time about how bad her life is and often says it isn't worth living. It is so hard for me, as her mother, to deal with that. My big worry is that one day she will decide that life really is not worth living...... if not now, then after my husband and I have left the scene. She often says we are the only people in her life worth living for.............. If only she could meet a nice guy!

No time to write about my son now: his update will have to wait until another day now!

THAT'S MY BOY!

2011-10-13T16:21:00.001+01:00

2011-10-13T15:10:00.002+01:00

The title above is a pretty accurate description of me at the moment. Tired, jaded, worn out, just plain old....... are other ways of putting it!

I have a strange rash on the side of my chin. It is in a circle - red, with normal skin on the inside. Last night, at the first of our new Greek lessons, our teacher thought it was lipstick! Quite who it was she thought had been kissing me, I am not really sure. Maybe she thought my husband had started wearing lipstick. :-)

In May, hubby and I joined a little country club. Before that, I had remained a member of my gym - but had not been there much, especially not since my husband retired. I was feeling a bit left out by this retirement business, as hubby arranged sporting activities for himself and we didn't do much together. So, we joined this little club out in the countryside, although only aboout 10 to 15 minutes drive from our home. There we can swim, use the gym or play tennis.

Tennis was a bit of a sore point for me. I was never very good, but I used to enjoy playing with hubby many, many moons ago. He has just not played with me for years and years and years though. Anyway, in May I very nervously started to play again. I says 'nervously' because I had become very unfit...... but gradually, I began to enjoy just having a knock-up. More importantly, I felt it was really doing me good.

In July, we went to Greece and half way through the holiday I had a fall on a slippery road. I didn't actually hurt myself externally, no bruises or graze. I felt something 'go' at the side of my right knee though: I guess it was a tendon or something. It has proved to be an injury that has taken a long time to really begin to improve. And it certainly put paid to hubby's tennis coaching sessions with me! And now, after Sandy's death etc. I am feeling less healthy than I have done for years!We are trying to restart the tennis now, but other things - including the weather - keep getting in the way, Today, hubby has gone to a tennis afternoon they hold at the club. There is no way I feel good enough to join in, unfortunately....... I love the club, but what I hate is that there is no way I can get there without hubby. So, if he is off playing golf or watching cricket or football, there is nothing I can do, apart from getting on a bus and going shopping - and I'm not really a shopping person.

We are, somewhat unexpectedly, going back to Croatia for 10 days in November. Hubby had a tooth abscess and had to have a tooth removed, so is going to have another implant - so, off we will go! We are staying in the hotel again..... it was hard to decide whether it would be really very much cheaper to stay in an apartment as we would have to eat out and that isn't particularly cheap. At least, if the weather is bad we can stay in the hotel. They have an indoor swimming pool and a little gym too, so we could always use them. And the lovely view will still be there, even in November!

Of course, one thing we will not be able to do is swim in the sea! Sadly, I actually only swam in the sea twice when we were there in August. Our daughter normally just likes to stay by the outdoor pool and relax when we are there, but hubby and I usually creep off to the lovely forest beaches, much to our daughter's disgust! We hate the idea of just staying by a pool and roasting all day though! Of course, this year Sandy became ill a couple of days into the holiday and we ended up staying with our daughter - and never went back to those lovely beaches again, even once! :-(

Although we won't be able to swim in November, I am looking forward to the trip. Hopefully, we will get some nice weather and be able to go for some walks in the forest. I am really hoping the break will help me recuperate a little bit: it has really been such a very hard summer!

DOG POETRY: PART 8

2011-10-13T13:55:00.001+01:00

GEIST'S GRAVE

By Matthew Arnold

Four years!--and didst thou stay above
The ground, which hides thee now, but four?
And all that life, and all that love,
Were crowded, Geist! into no more?

Only four years those winning ways,
Which make me for thy presence yearn,
Call'd us to pet thee or to praise,
Dear little friend! at every turn?

That loving heart, that patient soul,
Had they indeed no longer span,
To run their course, and reach their goal,
And read their homily to man?

That liquid, melancholy eye,
From whose pathetic, soul-fed springs
Seem'd surging the Virgilian cry,
The sense of tears in mortal things--

That steadfast, mournful strain, consoled
By spirits gloriously gay,
And temper of heroic mould--
What, was four years their whole short day?

Yes, only four!--and not the course
Of all the centuries yet to come,
And not the infinite resource
Of Nature, with her countless sum

Of figures, with her fulness vast
Of new creation evermore,
Can ever quite repeat the past,
Or just thy little self restore.

Stern law of every mortal lot!
Which man, proud man, finds hard to bear,
And builds himself I know not what
Of second life I know not where.

But thou, when struck thine hour to go,
On us, who stood despondent by,
A meek last glance of love didst throw,
And humbly lay thee down to die.

Yet would we keep thee in our heart--
Would fix our favourite on the scene,
Nor let thee utterly depart
And be as if thou ne'er hadst been.

And so there rise these lines of verse
On lips that rarely form them now ;
While to each other we rehearse:
Such ways, such arts, such looks hadst thou!

We stroke thy broad brown paws again,
We bid thee to thy vacant chair,
We greet thee by the window-pane,
We hear thy scuffle on the stair.

We see the flaps of thy large ears
Quick raised to ask which way we go;
Crossing the frozen lake, appears
Thy small black figure on the snow!

Nor to us only art thou dear
Who mourn thee in thine English home;
Thou hast thine absent master's tear,
Dropt by the far Australian foam.

Thy memory lasts both here and there,
And thou shalt live as long as we.
And after that--thou dost not care!
In us was all the world to thee.

Yet, fondly zealous for thy fame,
Even to a date beyond our own
We strive to carry down thy name,
By mounded turf, and graven stone.

We lay thee, close within our reach,
Here, where the grass is smooth and warm,
Between the holly and the beech,
Where oft we watch'd thy couchant form,

Asleep, yet lending half an ear
To travellers on the Portsmouth road;--
There build we thee, O guardian dear,
Mark'd with a stone, thy last abode!

Then some, who through this garden pass,
When we too, like thyself, are clay,
Shall see thy grave upon the grass,
And stop before the stone, and say:

_People who lived here long ago
Did by this stone, it seems, intend
To name for future times to know
The dachs-hound, Geist, their little friend.

A DOG'S LOVE

2011-10-13T10:27:00.001+01:00

2011-09-30T11:40:00.004+01:00

Thought I couldn`t log into Blogger on my kindle. Now though it seems I can - although it still says something about the browser no longer supporting Blogger!

I am on the beach in Bournemouth. It was a cheap internet offer of two nights and one dinner at a hotel in Boscombe. We were meant to go about a month ago, but had to postpone it because my husband had a tooth abscess. I was upset because, although the weather was bad a month ago, I thought it might be even worse later. I never expected to end up in the middle of a heatwave! It is glorious - just like the middle of summer (in the days when we still had summers, that is!).

Sadly, we are travelling back home tonight. We would have extended our stay, but we have bought tickets for a boring church event tomorrow night.

See y`all later.

DOG POETRY: PART 7

2011-09-25T18:16:00.000+01:00

ELEGY FOR A DEAD LABRADOR

By Lars Gustafsson

(translated from Swedish byYvone L. Sandstroem)

Here there maybe, in the midst of summer,

a few days whensuddenly it's fall.

Thrushessing on a sharper note.

The rocks stand determined out in the water.

They know something. They've always known it.

Weknow it too, and we don't like it.

On the way home, in the boat, on just such evenings

you would stand stock-still in the bow, collected,

scouting the scents coming across the water.

You read the evening, the faint streak of smoke

from a garden, a pancake frying

half a mile away, a badger

standing somewhere in the same twilight

sniffing the same way. Our friendship

was of course a compromise; we lived

together in two different worlds: mine,

mostly letters, a text passing through life,

yours, mostly smells. You had knowledge

I would have given much to have possessed:

the ability to let a feeling—eagerness, hate, or love-

run like a wave throughout your body

from nose to tip of tail, the inability

ever to accept the moon as fact.

At the full moon you always complained loudly against it.

You were a better Gnostic than I am. And consequently

you lived continually in paradise.

You had a habit of catching butterflies on the leap,

and munching them, which some people thought disgusting,

I always liked it. Why

couldn't 1 learn from you? And doors,

In front of closed doors you lay down and slept

sure that sooner or later the one would come

who'd open up the door. You were right.

I was wrong. I ask myself, now this

long mute friendship is forever finished,

if possibly therewas anything I could do

which impressed you. Your firm conviction

that I called up the thunderstorms

doesn't count. That was a mistake. I think

my certain faith that the ball existed,

even when hidden behind the couch,

somehow gave you an inkling of my world,

In my world most things were hidden

behind something else, I called you ‘dog’.

I really wonder whether you conceived of me

as a larger, noisier ‘dog’,

or as something else, forever unknown,

something that is what it is, existing in that attribute

it exists in, a whistle

in the nocturnal park one has got used to

returning to without actually knowing

what it is one is returning to, About you,

and who you were, I knew no more.

One might say, from this more objective

standpoint, we were two organisms. Two

of those places where the universe makes a knot

in itself, short-lived, complex structures

of proteins that have to complicate themselves

more and more in order to survive, until everything

breaks and turns simple once again, the knot

dissolved, the riddle gone. You were a question

asked of another question, nothing more,

and neither had the answer to the other.

DOG POETRY: PART 6

2011-09-24T10:56:00.002+01:00

MYDOG

By St.John Lucas

The curate thinks youhave no soul;
I know that he has none. But you,
Dear friend! whose solemn self-control,
In our four-square familiar pew,

Was pattern to my youth -- whose bark
Called me in summer dawns to rove --
Have you gone down into the dark
Where none is welcome -- none may love?

I will not think those good brown eyes
Have spent their life of truth so soon;
But in some canine paradise
Your wraith, I know, rebukes the moon,

And quarters every plain and hill,
Seeking his master... As for me,
This prayer at least the gods fulfill;
That when I pass the flood and see

Old Charon by the Stygian coast
Take toll of all the shades who land,
Your little, faithful, barking ghost
May leap to lick my phantom hand.

DOG POETRY: PART 5

2011-09-18T18:06:00.001+01:00

THE HOUSE DOG'S GRAVE (Haig, an English bulldog)
ByRobinson Jeffers, 1941

I'vechanged my ways a little; I cannot now
Run with you in the evenings along the shore,
Except in a kind of dream; and you, if you dream a moment,
You see me there.

So leave awhile the paw-marks on the front door
Where I used to scratch to go out or in,
And you'd soon open; leave on the kitchen floor
The marks of my drinking-pan.

I cannot lie by your fire as I used to do
On the warm stone,
Nor at the foot of your bed; no, all the night through
I lie alone.

But your kind thought has laid me less than six feet
Outside your window where firelight so often plays,
And where you sit to read--and I fear often grieving for me--
Every night your lamplight lies on my place.

You, man and woman, live so long, it is hard
To think of you ever dying
A little dog would get tired, living so long.
I hope than when you are lying

Under the ground like me your lives will appear
As good and joyful as mine.
No, dear, that's too much hope: you are not so well cared for
As I have been.

And never have known the passionate undivided
Fidelities that I knew.
Your minds are perhaps too active, too many-sided. . . .
But to me you were true.

You were never masters, but friends. I was your friend.
I loved you well, and was loved. Deep love endures
To the end and far past the end. If this is my end,
I am not lonely. I am not afraid. I am still yours.

DOG POETRY: PART 4

2011-09-14T15:12:00.001+01:00

APOLLOGLORIOUS LABRADOR

By A.L.Rowse

Apollo, glorious Labrador,

Of golden coat and amber eyes,

Of your regal looks and gentle ways

We have so many memories.

What a kingdom you had here:

Trevissick Turn to Hallane Mill,

Trenarren village and Ropehawn,

Along the headland to flagstaff hill.

All the beaches here were yours

Porthtowam, Gwendra, Silvermine,

When you were young andfrolicsome,

In summer days, of sheen or shine.

Following your master into the sea,

Close on his track, treading the waves,

Bounding across seaweed and rocks,

Under the vans, exploring the caves.

You toss your treasure trove in the air,

Flotsam and jetsam, wrack of the sea,

Pieces of spar, a cellophane square

To protect from the birds his cherry tree.

What days you had of bliss and joy

Splashing in the valley stream;

Back to the shelter of Rose Cottage

All night perchance to dream.

How once you chased my favourite cat;

Peter, the white Persian, spat

Fury from the safety of a tree

At such a breach of his dignity:

Nor was I wholly pleased thereat –

But forgave you for your charming way

Of welcoming me, a visitor,

With a present of your bone or toy,

A shoe or slipper at your door.

You became with advancing age

A wise old dog, a sober sage,

Couchant before the friendly fire

Of the ever hospitable squire

Who made Rose Cottage what it is –

A haven of all felicities.

How much we miss you: there’s not much fun

At your home now you are gone.

Yet, on reflection, I am glad

To think what a golden life you had.

REGRETS

2011-09-14T13:39:00.002+01:00

If there is one thing I regret at the moment it is getting back in touch with my old schoolmates back in 2008........

When I went to the reunion in Winchester in the April of 2009, the people there were mostly friendly towards me. I say mostly because one of them was actually pretty rude and ignored me completely for the first few minutes - one of the others had to actually say to her 'You remember ------?' before she even looked at me. And she had been one of the ones I had thought to be not so bad at school!

One of the couples there, S and her husband T, planned another mini reunion near their home in London in April 2010 and we went to it. As it happened, only one other couple turned up apart from us - but S&T made us very welcome at their home and we had a nice meal at a local restaurant too. Sadly, T is extremely disabled by Parkinsons disease. He is an intelligent guy with a very lively mind. Although I liked him and S a lot that weekend, I did clock the fact that he was somebody who would say what he thought, maybe without regard to other people's feelings, And he is not a fan of anything to do with religion - as, indeed, neither is S! Sadly, many of my old schoolmates have now abandoned the faith they were brought up in.

Digressing just slightly for a minute............. for some time now I have had a Facebook account. I have mainly used it to play the games on there. For quite a time, I was actually pretty addicted to them. I have given them up now, but playing them actually helped me get through some difficult times. Because of the games, I acquired lots of 'friends' on there (although I think it is a bit of an abuse of the word 'friend' to use it in such circumstances, there are a couple of really nice people on my 'friends list'. It is funny how you get to know who is nice and who isn't, even with such limited contact). Anyway, Facebook became a haven for me, somewhere I went to play the games and get away from the many stresses in my life. I would mainly post music and share other stuff with my 'friends' on there. It was a kind of place, where we shared positive thoughts, funny animal videos and just generally 'girlie' stuff. I loved it! I sometimes posted religious music etc. too and nobody complained; likewise, if I saw somebody post something I did not agree with, I would never have dreamed of complaining.

I think it was toward the beginning of this year that I got a friend request from T, whose house I had been to the previous year (his wife S does not belong to Facebook herself). My heart sank, because I felt I could not say 'no'. Something told me I didn't really want T as a 'friend' though and thus it has proved to be.......

He has kept on commenting on my posts. Mostly his remarks are intended to be amusing (and maybe clever!). He has never said anything deliberately upsetting, but I have just begun to feel almost as if I am being victimised a bit by him repeatedly commenting on my posts. I saw Facebook as my own little therapy spot, a place where I could post stuff mainly intended for myself (though I know that is not meant to be the idea behind Facebook!). I think I would not have minded quite so much if he occasionally posted something positive, something to make me feel he at least liked me. I was pretty upset this past July, when it was my 60th birthday and I posted a couple of related items: a poem about being sixty and a song - Elton's 'Sixty Years On'. T made a comment about a small reference to balloons in the poem, saying that balloons are dangerous because birds swallow them! He made some comment about the song too - I think it was something to the effect that Elton might not feel the same now he is sixty himself. I posted lots of photos after my birthday too. Did T ever, at any point wish me a happy birthday? Well, I think you can guess the answer for yourself!

Recently, I posted about Sandy's death and a few people (the nice ones!) said how sorry they were to hear the sad news. Nothing, of course, from T. He does however seem to have stepped up the 'funny' comments to the point where I was just feeling 'victimised'. That is probably me - as usual - just being over-sensitive. But I decided, at the weekend, I just didn't need this...... so I decided to stop posting stuff on Facebook, just everything, so he could no longer comment. Unfortunately though, I then made a mistake: I was listening to some Greek music on a website where you can listen to different radio stations from around the world and I added it to Facebook as an 'application' so I could find it easily when I wanted it. It came up on Facebook as '----- started using Streema radio tuner'. It never even occurred to me that T would find something to comment about in that..... but he wrote: 'Great, you can hear about the traffic jams in Seattle instead of the M25 around London. In fact if you time it right changing stations you can enjoy traffic jams all day long. This is progress? I'd rather chug along in a paddle streemer...I mean steamer.' I'm afraid I flipped at that and got angry. I said: 'With respect, only an idiot would use something like this - where you can listen to music from around the world - to listen to traffic news from Seattle!'. He didn't like my response, saying: 'My apologies, I did not intend to invite respectful comparison with an idiot, rather I was writing in what I assumed would be recognised as jest. If I see a big red shiny baloon I go looking for a pin. Sadly some people only have their radio for company.'

I did apologise for calling him an idiot (though I didn't directly call him one, did I?) I also said that I am not myself at the moment. It seemed as though he had accepted my apology, saying; 'Almost anything written on Facebook is open to being read the wrong way like the school report that says: 'This year Verity has been trying.'. Take no notice of any comments I make. They are all flippant. Who is the real anybody? We all hide behind a facade, or mask that is is the persona we present to the world. Facebook is the least trustworth of all. The ------ I have in mind is the one I met in Winchester in 2009'. So, I thought my comment had been forgiven. He did however go on to post on his status: 'Whenever anyone says "With respect." it is always the prelude to an insult. When anyone says "To be honest" it is always the prelude to an evasion of some sort.' His remarks obviously relate to me saying "With respect". I feel upset, but am keeping silent. From now on, I am just not posting a thing on Facebook!

I had already decided recently that I am not going to attend any further reunions. Again, this is probably just me being over-sensitive. What do you think?..... Just after we got back from Croatia, I sent an email out to all my old schoolmates. I had been told that there was a reunion being organised in Chichester (i.e. not that far from my home) this November and, as I had heard nothing further about whether it was still taking place, I wrote to them all innocently asking what was happening. After some days, I got a reply from S (T's wife) and I eventually got from her (after 2 or 3 emails going back and forth) that yes, there is going to be a get-together in Chichester but that the person organising it - who is called Jackie - had always intended it to just be for a few people (i.e. those who she has been meeting up with through the years - nobody new). Now, that would have been fine if I had not been told about this get-together - but Jackie herself told me about it in response to an email I sent out to everybody in the spring to tell them all about something in connection with our old school. She did say she was gong to restrict numbers - but she mentioned it to me and then said something like 'I hope to maybe meet you in November'. So, naturally enough, I thought I might have been included. I tried to hide the fact I was upset from S but I am sure she could tell. I should not have been having the conversation with her anyway...... Jackie should have contacted me and explained what happened. One little sorry would have gone a long way towards making me feel better. Anyway, now all this has happened with T, so I am done with them and any future reunions.

There is one complication. (Isn't there always?). Back in the spring I managed to reconnect (via Facebook) with M, the girl I was most friendly with at school. I used to travel to school with her, often walking home rather than catching the bus. Nobody knew what had happened to her, but I found her. I have since met her twice - once at a church service connected with our old school when a couple of others were present. She also came down to Brighton (she was living in London) to see me at the end of June. We had lunch and it was a great day. I had been hoping that M would be able to come to Chichester. I was also hoping that MC - a girl who only I had stayed in touch with - would come as well. I tried hard to get her to go to Winchester and again to S&T's, but without success. She did say she would probably come to Chichester though. Anyway, I am digressing......The complication is that M was very friendly with S at school. She was invited to S&T's house in the summer and said she really got on well with S, and really liked T. I do not know if she has seen my conversation with T on Facebook (which she uses a lot) but I am worried in case she, too, is upset with me.

To be honest (that expression again - I am obviously about to be evasive!) meeting M again has left me with mixed feelings. She has had a hard life...... losing a daughter to drugs (probably the first time she had taken them, apparently) while at university and a husband to another woman at around the same time! It must have been so difficult for her. She says that it has all made her hard (and who can blame her). On the one hand, she now refers to me as a 'Dear, dear friend' which makes me feel emotional as nobody has ever spoken about me in that way. On the other hand, if I even hint at any of my problems, especially with my daughter, she doesn't respond. I guess her view is that I am lucky to have my husband and both my children still with me. And, of course, I am lucky. But life is so hard at the moment and I need somebody to talk to so much!

I am not sure whether I ever told you (dear blog!) what happened when I fell out with my so-called friend in Ireland almost 2 years ago. We fell out over a silly misunderstanding and she would not forgive my part it it. I had been upset with her for quite a time though because she bombarded me with text messages about the local football team (she followed them when she lived here and has remained a big fan ever since) but usually did not seem interested in anything I told her about myself. When things were particularly difficult with my daughter I sometimes sent her a couple of lines about her - that was all! Anyway, when we fell out she made it clear that there was no sympathy in her heart for anybody else's problems...... She actually said that she believed that the only people you should ever tell you problems to are your close family. I thought then that the sadness in her life (she lost her mum - a wonderfully kind person - to cancer when she was only 14) had made her hard and tough. I think my old friend M is in much the same situation now.

It is funny how life seems to hit you when you are already down. All this recent stuff about the school reunion that never was - and the riciculous tiff with T on Facebook - have happened whilst I am still mourning Sandy. We were further upset the other day by a young woman - on a church committee, so she should really know better - being really unfriendly towards us for some unknown reason!

I am really worried about my daughter.....I am upset about all the above....I still miss Sandy so much and am still so sad that I never really got to say goodbye to him. I have some health problems too. I don't think I have ever been so down.... I just keep crying all the time.......

Surely life just has to take a turn for the better some time soon?

DOG POETRY: PART 3

2011-09-02T11:29:00.005+01:00

TRIBUTE TO THE MEMORY OF THE SAME DOG

By William Wordsworth

Lie here sequester'd:--
be this little mound
For ever thine,
and be it holy ground!

Lie here, without a record of thy worth,
Beneath the covering of the common earth!
It is not from unwillingness to praise,
Or want of love, that here no Stone we raise;
More thou deserv'st; but this Man gives to Man,
Brother to Brother, this is all we can.
Yet they to whom thy virtues made thee dear
Shall find thee through all changes of the year:
This Oak points out thy grave; the silent Tree
Will gladly stand a monument of thee.

I pray'd for thee, and that thy end were past;
And willingly have laid thee here at last:
For thou hadst liv'd, till every thing that cheers
In thee had yielded to the weight of years;
Extreme old age had wasted thee away,
And left thee but a glimmering of the day;
Thy ears were deaf; and feeble were thy knees,--
saw thee stagger in the summer breeze,
Too weak to stand against its sportive breath,
And ready for the gentlest stroke of death.
It came, and we were glad; yet tears were shed;
Both Man and Woman wept when Thou wert dead;
Not only for a thousand thoughts that were,
Old household thoughts, in which thou hadst thy share;
But for some precious boons vouchsafed to thee,
Found scarcely any where in like degree!

For love, that comes to all; the holy sense,
Best gift of God, in thee was most intense;
A chain of heart, a feeling of the mind,
A tender sympathy, which did thee bind
Not only to us Men, but to thy Kind:
Yea, for thy Fellow-brutes in thee we saw
The soul of Love, Love's intellectual law:--
Hence, if we wept, it was not done in shame;
Our tears from passion and from reason came,
And, therefore, shalt thou be an honoured name!

DOG POETRY: PART 2

2011-09-01T11:03:00.005+01:00

I have a bit of a history lessson for you today......

I remember, when I was at school, having to study a rather boring book about the lives of various literary people. I do recall though being a little more interested in the life of Lord George Byron, because he was a rather wild character and got up to all kinds of things! In more recent years, I again came across Byron - this time because he is commemorated on my beloved island of Kefalonia, where he himself lived for a short time in a village called Metaxata, in an area I know very well. Byron wrote about his stay there: 'I like this spot although I do not know the reason and I would not like to leave. Here of course there are not many attractions, neither in the comforts of my house nor the melancholy view of the Black Mountain. There are no contacts with educated persons, nor are there any beautiful women. Yet in spite of all I would like to linger because I feel more satisfied and time passes more pleasantly than ever long before.' I understand his sentiments!

I did not know until recently (thanks to my Green Party friend's book!) that Byron's ancestral home was at Newstead Abbey near Nottingham. There, he apparently had a much-loved Newfoundland dog who eventually died of rabies. When the dog died, he built it a very grand memorial tomb which can still be seen today (although I have read that the dog's bones are no longer within it). Byron insisted in his will that he was to be buried with the dog when he died, although in the event he was buried in a local church (I think he had had to sell Newstead Abbey by then, due to financial difficulties). What folllows is the inscription which is on the dog's tomb. He talks about how unfair it is if dogs do not have souls and he also makes it clear that he considered the dog to be his one, true and faithful friend.

(N.B. I think the first few lines may not actually have been written by Byron himself, although the main poem definitely was)

EPITAPH TO A DOG

By Lord Byron

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.

This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.

When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,
Unknown by Glory, but upheld by Birth,
The sculptor’s art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below.
When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen,
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his Master’s own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonoured falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the Soul he held on earth –
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.

Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debased by slavery, or corrupt by power –
Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust,
Degraded mass of animated dust!
Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,
Thy tongue hypocrisy, thy heart deceit!
By nature vile, ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.
Ye, who perchance behold this simple urn,
Pass on – it honors none you wish to mourn.
To mark a friend’s remains these stones arise;
I never knew but one – and here he lies.

DOG POETRY: PART 1

2011-08-31T19:23:00.008+01:00

We have a very large book (886 pages in all!) which includes virtually every bit of prose or poetry ever written in the English language!

The reason we have this book is that, way back in April, the 3 of us were with Sandy at one of his favourite places, a cafe on Hove sea front. It was to be Sandy's last visit there; his legs were very bad that day and I think we all knew he wouldn't make it there again.

Just close to the cafe as we drank our coffee, there was a guy manning a stall. I immediately recognised this guy as the candidate for the Green party whom we had seen at another venue in a Hove shopping street the previous day. He had attracted my attention then because of his somewhat flamboyant dress and his larger-than-life personality. On Hove seafront though, his interest was mainly in Sandy, whom he instantaneously fell in love with. He told our daughter that he had written a book about dogs and he later came to our table and gave a copy to her. I think he sold it to her for a couple of pounds - although the price on the back is actually £14.99

Anyway..... I am going to post a few of the poems relating to the death of dogs here. The one below I already knew and liked, so I am starting with that!

THE POWER OF THE DOG
By Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find – it’s your own affair
But … you’ve given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone – wherever it goes – for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ‘em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

2011-08-27T15:33:00.005+01:00

MEMORIES

Anyway..... it has been a hard week for me, but I am coping better now. I just cannot believe how much I have cried for this dog! I mean, I knew I would be very upset, that I would miss him and be lonely and miserable - but I really did not expect to cry so much! At least, the tears are beginning to dry up a bit now.

We went to a cafe by the beach a couple of days ago, somewhere where Sandy always loved to go, and that was difficult - but at least I did it. I also went to church with my husband on Friday and it turned out to be a funeral. It was for somebody we didn't know (human of course - not a dog! Lol!) but I found it hard not to dissolve into a constant stream of tears there. I survived though!

It is so nice to have lots of photos - and one or two videos too - to remember Sandy by. Our daughter found it very therapeutic on her first day back from Croatia, to spend a whole day looking at loads of photos and scanning many of them onto the computer.I think he was the most photographed dog, ever!

Most of all, we have so many happy memories of so many very happy times with him. He certainly loved and enjoyed his life..... and we cannot complain that he did not live long enough, it is amazing that he lived until almost sixteen!

To think that I never even wanted a dog..... but ended up loving him so much! What really surprised me though is that he loved us, he really loved us...... before we had him, I never believed that dogs could love.... but we could see his love for us in his eyes, we could feel it! There is no doubt about it.... he loved us!

I will feel eternally blessed that Sandy was our dog, that God was kind enough to send such an amazing dog into our lives. He will always live on in our memories ....... and in our hearts......

2011-08-27T13:05:00.010+01:00

SOMETHING STRANGE.

The last months of Sandy's life were pretty stressful. I knew the time was coming when he would not be able to carry on: even our daughter had agreed that when we got back from holiday we would have to have him put to sleep. It was an enormous worry to me though, as I did not believe she would actually be able to be strong enough to take him on his last journey. On the other hand, she would never have let us take him without her. She had no more holiday she could take off from work anyway. It was an impossible situation. In the end, the way it worked out that was not necessary.

It worries me a lot though that Sandy suffered a lot, maybe unecessarily. The situation with his legs never got so bad that he couldn't get up (until that second day when we were away, when we think he probably had another stroke). After that, I think he was suffering quite a bit. I wanted our son to get a vet in, but our daughter would not hear of it. Sandy was officially her dog, so we had to listen to her. I think both my husband and daughter thought that our son was exaggerating the seriousness of the situation.

This was made worse by the fact that Sandy gradually ate a whole tin of dog food the day before he died! Since he was very small, Sandy had suffered from a weak stomach - 'retriever tummy' our vet called it, because it is apparently common in retrievers. When he was small and still on ordinary dog food, he was very unwell and his stomach was so swollen that the vet was going to operate, believing that Sandy had probably swallowed some pebbles from the beach or smething similar. Sandy went in to the vet's and was given his pre-med injection - but then managed to charm the vet sufficiently into believing that there was nothing at all wrong with him! So, a slightly drowsy dog was dispatched back home and put on a special dried diet, for dogs with diarrhoea. He stayed on that diet all his life.

The Christmas before last, I ordered a sack of the food from the internet and got sent a couple of free tins with it. The tinned food was supposedly exactly the same as the dried food Sandy was used to, although I guess it must have had something else added to it if only to make it moist. When we gave one of the tins to him though, he went absolutely crazy for it! You would have thought the poor dog had been starved for most of his life, had you seen his reaction to this new delicacy. He just couldn't eat it quickly enough!

Not long after that, Sandy had his first stroke and, in an effort to get him eating again as he recovered, I purchased some more of the tinned food. In all, he had one tin a day (in addition to his usual dried food) for about a year and during the whole of that time he never stopped going crazy for it! We had to feed them gradually to him, to stop him gulping them down too quickly. Sadly though, the tins did seem to make him more likely to have an upset tummy and by last Christmas he had begun to have more and more of a problem controlling his bowels. So, my husband (who usually got the job of clearing up the poo!) banned the tins. All tit-bits were banned too - apart from the fact that I insisted he would still be able to lick out my morning yogurt pot. So, right up to the morning before we went to Croatia, Sandy's first action of the day was to come into my bedroom for this gastronomic delight!

When we were in Croatia and heard that Sandy was ill and not eating, I suggested that our son try him on one of the dog tins (I still have a big hoard of them in our old larder outside our back door). Sandy obliged and over the course of a day he ate a whole tin whilst lying down. Unfortunately, it did not do much for his stomach, as he pretty quickly had diarrhoea. I have to tell you, dear reader, that my carpet has yet to revover from this episode, despite my son scrubbing it and I myself twice using my carpet cleaner on it. Our son kept Sandy on newspaper and blankets in the lounge, but it still went through. The smell was still horrendous when we got back, but that at least has gone after my carpet cleaning efforts. It looks much better now, although I will have another go at cleaning some more. There are some strange lines on the carpet - apparently where our son mistakenly used a cream kitchen cleaner called Cif instead of Febreze! Since Sandy had not always been able to make it into the garden to do his poo, we had been keeping him in the kitchen at nights - but while we were away in Greece in July our son let him stay in the lounge and my husband let him remain there after that.

During the last months of his life Sandy had some kind of open sore on his chin. He also did not smell very pleasant - something which I eventually came to think was connected with this sore, although the others all thought it was just his bad breath! I lost count of how many times I said he should see a vet - but always my daughter and husband put it off, saying 'They will want him to be put to sleep'. Our daughter just was not able to handle the thought of it - and I was powerless to do anything. What I really regret is not saying anything to the vet the last time we did go to see him. The smell was already present by then (though the vet never commented). I didn't know about the sore then (it was well hidden from view), but I noticed there were always some brownish stains present on the side of his bowl when he ate. I mentioned this to my husband and daughter but they seemed totally unconcerned. Normally, our daughter took him to the vet for just about anything, but this time she never mentioned it. I should have followed my instincts though. I rather suspect it might have been some kind of cancer. It didn't seem to bother Sandy though and I am sure the vet would have said he was too old to operate.

The really strange thing is about Sandy when he died. I have already mentioned - on my web page about Sandy's last days - that our son said that Sandy's smell changed during that time to a smell similar to a bonfire. I guess I will never really know why that was. An even stranger fact though was that half of his face turned blue........ Our son told us this on the phone when we were away, but he said he had looked it up on the internet and that it was due to lack of oxygen. I think though that it is only the skin that might appear blueish in such circumstances. We had a very quick look at Sandy just before he was buried in our garden though - and the whole of one side of his head, including his ear, was blue just as if the fur had been dyed.

Sandy was lying on a brown blanket in here. I think there were newspapers underneath the blanket so I suppose it is vaguely possible there could have been some blue dye from a picture or something (I do not actually know for sure whether Sandy had been lying on that side when it happened) - but if that had been the case, there would surely have been some blue dye elsewhere. I only got a brief glimpse of Sandy (my husband covered him up pretty quickly when he saw the blue, thinking it must be due to something really horrible!) but the blue colour did not appear patchy in any way, as it would surely have done if it was an accidental leakage of newspaper dye. It was just as if he had been to the hairdressers for some kind of blue rinse! The more I think about it, the less I can find any kind of explanation whatsoever - and it will no doubt remain an unexplained mystery for ever. Why the hell would half his head turn blue?????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Was just re-reading the above and realised that I gave the impression that our daughter refused to let Sandy see a vet at all. When we spoke to our son on the Friday evening, my husband told him to ring the vet. Our daughter really wanted Sandy to be seen by Terry who has cared for Sandy for 5 years and is very kind. My husband told our son to try to contact Terry then - although I thought that Terry would not come out to see Sandy as we live a 30-minute drive from the surgery. In the event, Terry wasn't there and we were told to wait until Monday. And of course, Sandy died in the early hours of the Sunday morning..........

2011-08-22T10:28:00.006+01:00

SANDY.

Sad news..... our beloved dog Sandy went scampering off to the doggy afterlife in the early hours of August 14th. I cannot even begin to tell you how sad we are and how much we miss him. He was such a very special dog.

The end of his life did not come as expected....... In the last month or so, the quality of his life was greatly diminished. He could no longer go on walks because his back legs were so bad. He still enjoyed going down the garden though and was very alert mentally. Even so, we were gradually beginning to believe he couldn't go on as he was. Our daughter couldn't face the thought of taking him to be put to sleep, but even she knew we could not go on as we were. The three of us went off on holiday to Croatia on the 9th August knowing that when we came back we were really going to have to think about taking him on that final journey........

It was not intended to happen that way though. The previous year we had come back from Croatia to find Sandy half dead, having had a stroke. When we booked this year's trip to Croatia (way back at towards the end of last year) we never imagined that he would still be alive this August. When we went away though, I remember thinking it was very unlikely the same thing would happen two years running. How wrong can you be? We arrived on the Tuesday, Sandy became ill on the Thursday - and died on the Sunday.

As you may imagine, it was so painful not to be able to be with Sandy to comfort him in his last hours. We have come to believe though that it was all meant to happen the way it did. For those of you who can put up with a lot of religious stuff you might not believe in, there is a full account of Sandy's last days here. The first page has been in existance for some time and tells the story of how we acquired Sandy in the first place. Towards the end of the page, there are a couple of updates for later years and at the end is a link to a second page which relates the full story of Sandy's last days as experienced by us, far away in Croatia.

Our daughter is heartbroken, but at least she is working at the moment (answering the phone for a drainage and plumbing company!). I myself am going to miss Sandy so much as he was my constant companion throughout the years, my friend. Now I am truely friendless.......

2011-04-27T13:52:00.005+01:00

PUNCH-BAG REQUIRED A.S.A.P!

I sometimes find anger hard to deal with, especially when I do not feel entitled to show it!

My present anger is directed towards our table tennis group - and in particular towards hubby's brother who also belongs to it......

Last night was the final session of the season at table tennis and we traditionally go for a drink on the last night. I was already not over-happy with said b-i-l: he and his wife were having a family get-together on Easter Monday, but told his (and hubby's) sister (the one with the mental health problems) that they couldn't fit us four in as well. I was a bit sad as we don't have an extended family to see as they do, but I accepted it, especially as he has had a nasty virus (as have I). I was not very impressed though when we were in the car on Sunday and b-i-l phoned up (on my mobile!) and invited hubby to play golf on Monday morning. No prizes for tact there; he was too tired and busy to invite us round, but not to go out and play golf!

Anyway, yesterday was the last table tennis night and hubby and I actually were not going to go as hubby had some jobs he needed to do (as he is off to cricket today!). B-i-l's wife rang up though and said that they were going, so we relented at the last minute and went along. Now, a trip to the pub with the table tennis group is not the most exciting way to spend an evening to be honest but, as my social life is as poor as ever, I was looking forward to it. Stupidly!

Jean, the other committee member, suggested that we go to a little pub just 2 minutes walk away. I said that it was crowded in there the last time we went in and that it had looked crowded yesterday when we passed it. One of the other women (who had apparently done a 5 mile walk earlier yesterday) said she wouldn't go if we did not go there as she did not want to walk any further, so we decided to go there anyway to please her. When we got there though, what I had said about it being crowded proved to be true: there was a quiz or something going on and it was far too full. The lady who had done the 5-mile walk immediately said she was going home and, to my complete dismay, all the others said they would do the same (although there was another pub just around the corner, just an extra 2 or 3 minutes walk away!). B-i-l was one of the first to cry off - his excuse was that had had apparently had a couple of glasses of wine before he came out as it 'needed using up'!

To say that I was angry is the biggest understatement of the year! My husband had already complained to his brother, when they played golf on Monday, that we don't see enough of him so, even if it had ended up just the four of us in the pub, it would have been a good opportunity to socialise with them. So what if he had already had some wine - has the idiot never heard of lemonade or orange juice!

The trouble is, this man only thinks of himself. He has no idea about my life. It probably has never crossed his mind that I might be lonely. I doubt it has ever dawned on him that I have no friends, but he certainly must know that I have no extended family (unlike his wife who comes from a big family). Not only that, but two of his children have partners (unlike either of ours) and he has one grandchild. I don't suppose it has even occured to him that we have none of that! And he couldn't even be bothered to spend 45 minutes in a pub with us!

I have honestly rarely been so angry........ almost 24 hours later, I just cannot let the anger go! The trouble is, I want to express my anger, to tell the ofending person how upset I feel. But, he is my husband's brother, I don't feel entitled to!

I know he could see that I was angry: we had to walk back to our cars together and I am sure my anger showed on my face. I doubt that he has any real idea just why I was angry though. I guess he probably never will do................

Anybody got a punch bag I could borrow?

2011-04-27T13:11:00.003+01:00

MORE OF LIFE'S UPS & DOWNS.

I have beeen increasingly bad at keeping everybody updated with what is happening to me, I know.....

Life has been exceptonally hard the past few months. My daughter's job at the hotel ended at the beginning of February (will write more about that later). She was very lucky to get another job straight away, this time at a hotel in Brighton. That was manic though and proved to be too much for our daughter...... so now here we are, back exactly where we were this time last year with said daughter unemployed again.!

Son still continues in his job, but recently had about a month off with stress. The power provider he works for has changed its computer system - to a basically rubbish system that nobody can work - and my son is having to take phone calls with queries he cannot answer, all day everyday. It is total madness! I fear I could have both of them out of work soon, although son does seem to have decided to try to ride the storm at the moment. He was offerered another job with another energy company and, although that would probably have been less stressful, it was also considerably less money. So, he is still hanging on there.

I have had a long run of illness - mainly coughs, colds etc and a general feeling of being constantly tired and run down. I have no doubt that stress is very much behind all this! The only really happy one in this household is hubby, who is contentedly pottering along watching cricket and football and playing a bit of golf!

And Sandy? Amazingly, he is still alive....... although not in a wonderful state! His back legs have almost given up the ghost. The vet said it was just old age catching up with him, but we believe it is something called CDRM (Chronic Degenerative Radiculo-Myelopathy). It is a degenerative nerve disease of possible auto-immune origin. Sandy cannot feel his back legs and his paws turn over, so that the tops of them tend to get sores on them. Hubby is very good at repeatedly turning the paws back the right way though, so that the sores do not develop.

Sadly, we cannot take Sandy on the lovely walks he used to have (I do miss them so!), but he still enjoys his little walks and still really enjoys life. He has particularly enjoyed being in the garden in the beautiful weather we have been experiencing recently. We cannot believe that he is now aged 15 years and four months. we really never expected him to live this long. I have said it before I know, but that dog is truly a miracle!

2010-12-24T14:45:00.003Z

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

“Jesus is born”

Sang the angels above’

Shepherds were awed by the sight.

The star that announced

God’s supreme gift of love

Outshone all the others that night........

Two thousand years later ,

His love is the same,

His light is still showing the way,

He still inspires awe,

angels still praise His name,

And wise men still seek Him today.

A very happy Christmas to everyone here, from me and Sandy! xxxxxx

2010-12-15T13:46:00.007Z

SANDY

Well, I never did tell you why life took a turn for the worse! It was all down to Sandy.......

Our son took the week off work to look after Sandy while we were away in Kefalonia, but went back to work the day we came home. The night before we came back, Sandy was ill. When we got home at approximately 2 pm, we found Sandy in a dreadful state in the kitchen - and it very soon became clear to us that he had had another stroke. He was obviously in a very bad state......... he hadn't been able to get to his water and was dehydrated. We kept feeding him saucers of water and he revived a little bit. That night though, his breathing was bad and we felt sure he would die in the night. I nearly called a local vet out: they would have put him to sleep, for sure.........

He is not called Magic Mystery for nothing though and - amazingly, miraculously - he pulled through. A couple of months after that, he had another (less serious) stroke and survived that too. His back legs are very bad (though he often manages to get up a good run in the park!). It is quite obvious that he still really enjoys his life!

Today is his 15th birthday. FIFTEEN!!!! That is an amazingly good age for a golden retriever! I can hardly believe it! This dog truly is a MAGIC MYSTERY!

Did I ever tell you just how much I love him?

2010-09-07T16:59:00.005+01:00

THIS SUMMER.

Once again, my husband and I were lucky enough to go away for two weeks in Kefalonia and then, after two weeks back home, we went off for another week away - this time to Croatia with our daughter. The summer was fraught with various problems though. Here's a few of them........

I spent the day before we went to Kef up the eye hospital with a problem called keratitis. I have had it before, so was not unduly worried. This time it must have been worse though, because I was told that I would have to put drops in six times a day and that the drops had to be kept at a fairly cool temperature. Cool? In Kefalonia? No chance! Even worse, I was told I had to go back to the hospital again in 3 days time. When I explained I would be in Greece, I was told that I would have to see somebody there! Luckily, I managed to find somebody on an internet forum who gave me the number of a good eye specialist, so that made me feel much happier. I figured that they probably only told me I had to see someone to be on the safe side so, as my eye was fine, I never did go to the eye specialist.

About 2 days into our holiday, my husband tripped over a chain in the car park outside our apartment, put there this year to stop cars driving past that point. It was pitch dark and my husband forgot about it when we were on the way back after eating in the taverna. He went down onto the gravel in such a way that I thought he had injured himself badly, for sure. Luckily though, he just had a few cuts and grazes.

The rest of the holiday was without incident, until the last day when we set off in our hire car to go to the airport. The previous day my husband's back had been playing up, so we had not driven anywhere and he had not tried to get petrol. Because of his back, he was planning to take the ferry over but at the last minute he decided to drive round the long way. About half way round, he realised he was almost out of petrol, though he did not tell me so as not to worry me. He was very relieved to arrive safely in the capital, Argostoli - only to find that the petrol station had no petrol because of a truck drivers strike and that nowhere on the island had had any for a couple of days! By some amazing good fortune, we managed to limp along to the airport on empty. The poor car hire guy was not happy, as he had new people flying in expecting to pick up cars, none of which had hardly any petrol!

Croatia was fairly trouble free, although our daughter was unlucky, because she had her period the first 3 days and then, just when she would have been able to swim, the weather changed - we had 2 days of rain followed by 2 fairly cloudy days. Oh dear! Never mind, we still had a good time!

Life took a definite turn for the worse as soon as we got home though. More about that tomorrow.....

2010-09-07T16:21:00.003+01:00

ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER

Since we pulled our daughter out of school at the tender age of 15, because she was depressed and not eating anything, we have been through a lot together. She worked in a children's nursery from October 2003 until February 2006, when she decided she hated it (the staff there did not sound like very nice people and she was not the only one to have hated working there!). Since then, it has been a long struggle to try to find a new career, whilst doing a little bit of occasional agency work in other nurseries.

This year........ well, it has been quite a year all round really. She was extremely depressed throughout the winter and seemed for a while to be battling anorexia again. She became addicted to exercise classes ( not such a bad thing to be addicted to, I guess!) and lost a lot of weight (again, not such a dreadful thing as the weight had crept on through comfort eating!). She was still depressed though and despairing of ever getting a job.

Just when things seemed very dire and she was in danger of giving up altogether, on last Tuesday she went for an interview for a receptionist post at a posh hotel about 50 minutes drive away. On Friday, she heard she had got the job! Today, she left to go there (she is living in), although the job itself doesn't start until tomorrow. She is easily the most nervous that anybody could ever be; so please, if you can, remember her in your prayers.

We so badly need this to go right, all of us.................

PS Just as I was writing this, I got a text message from our daughter to say her room is dire and smelly - and she is sharing it at the moment with another girl who is about to be sacked, although she doesn't yet know it! Not good...... PLEASE remember those prayers!

2010-08-09T12:51:00.001+01:00

HE'S STILL HERE!

and we still love him!

2010-07-07T17:52:00.002+01:00

ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?

I Wish I Were A Butterfly (Read by Mike Pinder)

steve silvia | MySpace Video

2010-07-06T13:00:00.000+01:00

THE AMAZING INTERNET

It truly is amazing...... Surfing around on here is like going on a journey, a magical mystery tour in which you never know where ypu will end up or whom you will meet. I love it!

Today, I was looking at a website for a church in Horsham, Sussex. It is a good few miles from my home, but my husband used to work near it and I have been there a couple of times when it was quiet and peaceful (we went in there to pray for Sandy when he had his first big operation, actually). I remember one Christmas they had this amazing crib which was easily visible to passers-by. I think they must have asked parishioners to bring in their own personal contributions for it, because there were all kind of weird things there; little elves and fairies, ornaments and toys. I loved it!

Nowdays I tend to read their website (which is a blog really) because I like the style of it. As I said in a previous post, I don't like these sites to be sanctimonious and this one isn't. It actually makes me wish I l lived in the parish (we toyed with the idea of moving there when my husband first went to work there but decided against it for a number of reasons, one of which was that the property up there was too expensive.)

Anyway.....they publish a really excellent parish magazine called The Eaglet (I think it is published monthly). My husband has brought a couple of copies back home previously, but they have now made it available on line. If you want to read it and see just how good it is, click here

The prayer below was in this month's Eaglet. It says in there that it is by an unknown author, but I found out that it is from a book called 'Out of The Ordinary' by somebody called Joyce Rupp. I think I will be reading more of her work.......

MAGNIFICAT TO THE GOD OF DAWN

My being proclaims the wonders of light
as it slowly penetrates the ebbing darkness
And my spirit bows to the beauty of the One
who gives life to all that has existence
Oh, vibrant green stems of life sing out
your praise to the Heart who draws you forth
Bird songs rejoicing in the breath of dawn,
warble your joy in view of the morning star
Dew drops radiant upon the wetness of grass
give glory to the Wise Creator who sustains you

Flower gardens, rushing streams, silent deserts,
sing, sing, for the Dancer who rejoices in your midst
Peoples of the planet, creatures of the universe,
play before the Enlivener who delights in you
And my souls, my soul, rise up and greet this day
with gratitude, in a stance of humble remembering
For all I am, and all I am called to be, is held
in the hands of a Creator who daily loves me into life

2010-07-06T10:24:00.005+01:00

MORE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

The following video is called 'Called to be Catholic' - but please don't let that put you off if you are a non-Catholic Christian. The music in it is truly beautiful........

2010-07-06T10:05:00.005+01:00

ON BEING INVISIBLE......

I was thinking about how often I just feel as if I am invisible to the rest of the world......

Even in blogland it is often thus. I collected a whole load of blogs made by parents of children with only one hand, like me. I thought they would like to hear from an adult with the same problem; but, when I commented on their blogs, they just ignored me.

Yesterday, I commented on a Catholic blog, just to say I liked the video  posted and that I enjoyed reading the blog. It belongs to a woman who has her own problems, as she is an alcoholic. It is one of my favourite Catholic blogs, because it is honest and human. I don't like the Catholic blogs that are just used to preach and sound sanctimonious, or to merely point out how wonderful they are because they go to Latin masses and do amazing things. I like to see the more human side of things.... 

Anyway, my comment was ignored and, in fact, the post is no longer available today (it is an odd blog in that nothing stays up for long). I am sure there was nothing personal in this lady ignoring my post, she is probably just too involved in her own problems. I guess I am (as always!) being far too sensitive.

Anyway.......... there I was this morning reflecting on how 'invisible' I have become. And then I found this video.......

2010-07-05T21:28:00.014+01:00

DAYS LIKE THESE......

I love summer. Hot, balmy days. Warm evenings when you can leave the patio doors open and let the smells and sounds of the garden inside. We do actually seem - at least so far - to be getting a little bit of a summer this year too............

This is a very beautiful song which captures the atmosphere of summer days/nights well..............

On days like these
When the rain won't fall
And the sky is so dry
That even birds can't call
I can feel your tears
Disappearing in the air
Carried on the breeze
On days like these

Its years like these
That makes a young man old
Bend his back against the promises
That life should hold
They can make him wise
They can drive him to his knees
Nothing comes for free
On days like these

But you can't reap what you don't sow
And you can't plant in fallow ground
So let us fill this empty earth with hope
Until the rains come down

In lives like these
Where every moment counts
I add up all the things
That I can live without
When the one thing left
Is the blessing of my dreams?
I can make my peace
With days like these

I can make my peace
With days like these

2010-07-05T20:00:00.001+01:00

JOHN BRADBURNE

2010-07-05T19:45:00.008+01:00

DEATH.......

Every death is an end in the race
It's a stopping and starting
A march over millions of years

One inevitable thing about getting old is that you think about death more and more. Not just about how you are going to die, and the important matter of what will happen to you afterwards, but also about things like 'who will come to my funeral?' (In my case, I suspect it will be a very small congregation!)

Anyway, I'm in a very musical mood at the moment (in case you didn't guess!) so wanted to share with you the fact that I always said I would like the following song played at my funeral (I doubt that it will be though; Catholic priests don't generally want anything but bona fide hymns at funerals!)

This line is burning

Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
It's a Sunday or Monday
A march over months of the year

This life is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every death is an end in the race
It's a stopping and starting
A march over millions of years

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

This land is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every line is a place on a map
It's a city or valley
A mark on these miles of fields

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

This line is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
It's a Wednesday or Thursday
A march over months of the year

Travel. Arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

I'm coming to you
I'll be there in time

Take this
Mute mouth
Broken tongue.
Now this
Dark life
Is shot through with light

2010-07-05T18:04:00.003+01:00

THERE CAN BE MIRACLES......

Many nights we prayed, with no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood
Now we are not afraid, although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long, before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracle, you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe.

In this time of fear, when prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here, my heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words, I'd never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail, It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles, You can acheive (You can acheive)
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask (uh)
And it's easy to give in to your fear (ooh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way clear through the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe (Oh When you believe)
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill (Hard to kill)
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe (oooohhh)
Somehow you will (somehow somehow somehow)
Somehow you will ( I know I know I know)
You will when you believe (when you)
You will when you, you will when you, believe
Just believe, just believe (ooh baby)
You will when you believe.

2010-07-05T17:22:00.004+01:00

BACK HOME

I love this song.........

Don’t let your eyes get used to darkness
The light is coming soon
Don’t let your heart get used to sadness
Put your hope in what is true

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

When the future seems uncertain
Like the coming of a storm
Your loving Father carries his children
When they can’t walk anymore

No matter how the wind may blow
It cannot shake the sun
Lay your sorrows on the ground
It’s time to come back home

Oh, back home…

2010-07-05T12:45:00.011+01:00

LOST!

Γειά σας

The last few months have been hard. My husband was due to retire at the turn of the year, but actually didn't go back after October when his slipped disc happened. I had planned all the jobs I was going to get finished in the final two months, but..... (the best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz!).

I love my husband so much, but I just wasn't ready for him to retire. I was still struggling with having my daughter home most of the time and never getting any time to myself........ then, suddenly, there was no hope at all of ever getting any 'me time' ever again! Lol! I'm adjusting now, but only slowly............!

Our daughter has been very depressed recently. It was so very bad this winter and she was dieting and not eating much too. Do you know, she actually took herself off to the doctor and told her she was having issues with eating - and the doctor virtually laughed at her and said 'You aren't anorexic'. True, she was still somewhat overweight then, - but if somebody goes to see a doctor and acknowledges that they have a problem - and especially if they have previously been anorexic - then they should not just be laughed at, surely? Anyway, she has lost a lot of weight, looks very beautiful and is being a bit more sensible now (though she is addicted to exercise now!). She is still unemployed, but has now completely abanded all pretence of going on with the childcare work; she say she is never going back. At the moment, she is leaning towards hotel reception work. She is still lacking in confidence though and constantly tells me how unhappy she is; every time she does so, it is like a knife going through my heart! I so want her to be happy! How long can all this go on; it seems as if we are stuck in a perpetual kind of groundhog day!

Not only was I worried about my husband's back this past winter (now much improved, thank God), my daughter's state of mind, my own health (which hasn't been too good recently) and my son (who is as miserable as ever!) but I had the big falling-out with my so-called friend in Ireland which I referred to earlier in the year. I have had an unfinished post about that on here for months and may actually get around to finishing it some day! Suffice to say now that it upset me so much that it has taken me months to recover. And I am now officially really friendless. :-(

My husband goes out every day to Mass and also swimming (which is good for his back). I know I should go to church with him - and the swimming wouldn't be bad for me either - but I usually stay home! It is hard to explain, but I guess I an trying to keep some small iota of independence, to stop myself being taken over by hubby and what he wants to do; attempting to say that I am still me, still a person in my own right. And, of course, the housework won't do itself if I am out most of the day....... I am a bad enough housewife as it is, even when I am home all day!

It isn't all darkness and despendency; tiny rays of light have crept in here and there. Life does seem very hard, but I do know that God is with me and has a plan for me and my family, even if much of the time I have not the faintest idea what it is! We soldier on though.

Sandy is still alive, determined to stay with us as long as he can (thanks to God and John Bradburne, of course!) He is just so amazing, that dog. I love him to bits..... He is 14-and-a-half now and it is almost a year since the vet told us he probable wouldn't last for six months. What a miracle that dog is!

On Thursday, I reach the grand old age of 59 (we'll forget that one though lol!). Next Tuesday (yes, just one week and one day away) I am off to my beloved Kefalonia. For much of the winter, I just felt so unwell (tired and full of strange aches and pains) that I thought I might never get back there; but now, here I am again on the verge of flying off to my second home, my little bit of paradise in the sun! I am certainly looking forward to it......

I hope my handful of faithful readers here are still around and that they are well. I really will try to post updates on here more often! I kind of lost a bit of faith with blog-writing somehow, but I really do want to call in and say hello much more often.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. I posted the above, then realised that I forgot to tell you about an important improvement that happened. Our daughter decided she was going to knock all the excessive alcohol consumption on the head, so from January until recently she never touched a drop! She did have a little attempt to try and drink a bit during the world cup, but fortunately this seems to have been just a temporay blip and, if fact, it helped to reinforce the belief that she just cannot drink in moderation! Praise the Lord!

BE

Lost
On a painted sky
Where the clouds are hung
For the poet's eye
You may find him
If you may find him

There
On a distant shore
By the wings of dreams
Through an open door
You may know him
If you may

Be
As a page that aches for words
Which speaks on a theme that's timeless
While the sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way

And we dance
To a whispered voice
Overheard by the soul
Undertook by the heart
And you may know it
If you may know it

While the sand
Would become the stone
Which begat the spark
Turned to living bone
Holy, holy
Sanctus, sanctus

Be
As a page that aches for word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your day

(written by: Νeil Diamond)

2010-06-23T11:20:00.004+01:00

Laughing With (God).....

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

*Chorus*
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

2010-04-28T15:54:00.004+01:00

LIFE.

I sometimes think that God asks too much of me. Really, I do......... Please, can somebody tell Him: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

In case you are wondering, I am talking about my children - especially my daughter............. who has lost loads of weight but still thinks she is fat and is doing absolutely nothing with her life, apart from staying in her bedroom all day being depressed!

The only 'ok' person in the house at the moment is the dog, despite him being 14, on his last legs, having had yet another operation yesterday and being supposed to have died by January, he is probably in the best state of all of us. Lol!!!!!!!!

2010-01-25T13:23:00.006Z

SANDY.

Thank you all so much for your comments to my previous post; it is so nice to know that there are people out there who are on my side, so to speak!

Sandy is better....... much, much better!

I marvel at this dog and his ability to survive everything. Hunting on the internet for info about dogs and strokes I learned that dogs' brains are far better at recovering from strokes than our human ones. However - this dog is 14, he has a big lump in his stomach that the vet seems pretty sure is cancerous and he is really supposed to be dead by now. No matter how good dog's brains are at repearing themselves after a stroke, would you expect a dog that is just about to die anyway to be able to survive this? Last Sunday, we thought he was a gonna, for sure - now he is trotting off down the garden as if he doesn't have a care in the world.

I did tell you though that Sandy is a Magic Mystery and he is truly living up to his name.

2010-01-20T16:54:00.007Z

IT'S LIFE JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT......

A very desperate Seeker logs in today, after another long absence.

Life has not gone as expected........ hubby was due to retire at the turn of the year, but has not in fact been back to work since mid October. He developed a prolapsed disk in his back and has been seeing an osteopath who was at first very worried about him and thought he would have to have an operation. Luckily though, the back has very slowly been improving. Hubby was unable to drive for ages (although he has recently managed some short journeys). For a long while, he was even unable to sit down for more than a few minutes.

Our son is still harbouring hopes concerning the Russian girl and had a holiday in Egypt with her at new year, despite having already got himself into debt over the previous holiday in Turkey. So that is a worry. Daughter is even more of a worry, as she is extremely depressed at the moment - to the extent that she is lying in bed sleeping most of the day. I am worrying about her eating (bearing in mind her previous anorexia episode when she was 15) - she is eating, but not a lot. She saw a doctor the other day and was given a prescription for anti-depressants, but is reluctant to take them. She spoke about her excess hair again, but the doctor virtually said there is nothing that could be done on the NHS, even if she was found to have polycystic ovary syndrome (and the tests she had before failed to find this). The doctor commented, when writing out the usual cure-it-all drug prescription, that the only way anybody can get to see an actual psychiatrist is if they are literally hanging off a bridge ready to jump. So, no psychiatrist and no help for the hair problem (even though the latter is causing severe mental problems for our daughter and affecting here relationships and her confidence severely). That, folk, is the wonderful NHS system we have here in the UK...............

As if husband, son and daughter problems were not enough to keep me going, the dog is joining in now! Our beloved Sandy, despite being given a maximum of 6 months to live at the beginning of last July, has been absolutely amazing during that time and seemed to be getting better rather than deteriorating as expected. He enjoyed Christmas with us so much (especially the food) and was full of life. In the recent snow, he enjoyed frolicking in the park and even took a fancy to a young female dog - so much so that the other dog's owner just could not believe it when she heard that he was an old dog (he had his 14th birthday in December). Then, last Sunday he had what we think was a stroke and is not very good at all. If there was ever going to be a right time for Sandy to go downhill, this sure as hell aint it! Our daughter is going to be so devastated...... (not to mention yours truly; I do love that dog so very, very much!).

So, that's Seeker's life at the moment, guys. It is hard to find the positives in it at all - although, of course, when you hear of disasters such as the recent earthquake in Haiti you do realise that, even with the worst possible things happening here, we still have it comparatively easy. I have to admit I am not in good spirits though - in fact, I have to say that my spirits at the moment are bloody awful - lol - and I really wonder how on earth I will survive! My own health has not been wonderful just lately and I really do not feel I have much strength left to go on. To make matters worse, I managed to upset (I think irrevocably) someone who was probably the closest to a friend that I have, really through a series of misunderstandings and bad luck. She started it by getting the knock with me when I had really not done anything - but I then, stupidly, over-reacted instead of just waiting for her to get over it. That has upset me so much, especially coming as it does with all the other problems.........

By the way, I forgot to send a happy new year message to my faithful 3 or 4 readers as the year changed from 2009 to 2010. Let's hope we all manage, somehow or other, to have a good one........

2009-12-24T16:02:00.005Z

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Sacred and beautiful

Christmas began,
A gift from God's heart
Bringing blessing to man.
For Christmas is Christ,
Let the truth never dim,
And the lights that are shining
Are shining for him

Jesus, our Saviour, our Lord, our King,
We have little to offer of myrrh or gold,
But Faith and Hope are the gifts we bring,
And Love more precious than wealth untold.

In thy presence, O Jesus, our hearts we bow,
And lowly kneeling we humbly crave
For light and courage and guidance now,
And life eternal beyond the grave.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas -
and an even better new year. xxxx

2009-09-21T18:02:00.014+01:00

IN PRAISE OF A SMILE.

A smile can light up an uninteresting face and make it look beautiful. A smile is a gift - both for the person smiling and the one being smiled at. Share a smile with somebody while you are going through a particularly bad time and you immediately feel better. Anybody can smile - when you are in the depths of depression, let a smile break through and it will brighten your life just as the sun breaking out from behind the clouds on a dull and miserable day suddenly brightens everything up.

You can share a smile with anyone: even exchanging a smile with a stranger in the street can instantly brighten your day. But the most important smiles are the ones shared with the people we love. A smile from them confirms the love they have for us. It makes us feel safe and important.

Surely we have a right to expect those who love us to smile at us. But what if they don't? What if they think their life is such a disaster that they cannot be bothered to make the effort to smile? The person they live with will surely feel unappreciated and very easily be drawn into the miserable mood. Living with someone who will not smile is awful. We owe it to those we live with to make the effort to smile and brighten their llives; in doing so, our own will surely be brightened too.

2009-09-21T16:02:00.007+01:00

SANDY.

Our golden retriever Sandy will be 14 in December and has had 2 cancerous lumps removed in the past.

This summer, he started losing some blood from near his bottom and we could see a little lump there. Every time he sat there was bood on the carpet - not good news for either Sandy or my carpets! The vet gave him antibiotics and for a while the problem seemed a bit better, then suddenly got worse - just before we were going to Kef. Our daughter was away on a hen weekend in Edinburgh, but I had no option other than to go away on the Sunday and leave the problem for her to deal with.

On arriving in Kef I spent several days worrying about Sandy. News from our daughter was sketchy, but I didn't press her. Apart from text messages, we never got to phone her until the Monday of the second week but she indicated then that Sandy was ok and sitting beside her. I had a vague suspicion that there was something else she wasn't telling me, but again I didn't press her.

When I got home, I learned that Sandy had had an operation to remove the lump - I think it was on the Wednesday of the first week. When our daughter went to pick Sandy up, the vet was busy with an emergency but left a note with the receptionist to say that during the operation he found a large mass in Sandy's stomach. Our poor daughter was in tears.

Our vet is a really lovely guy (when we first met him our poor daughter really liked him and was originally heartbroken to learn that he was about to be married). He phoned our daughter later and apologised profusely for not being there. He explained that although Sandy didn't have a full anaesthetic his breathing wasn't all that good. Then the vet found this big mass in his stomach. He said he thought Sandy would not survive another operation to remove the lump. Pressed by our daughter, he gave Sandy only 4 to 6 months to live.

When Sandy went back to have his stitches removed, there was no consulting room available so the vet actually saw Sandy and my daughter outside the building. He said that the tests on the lump he removed had showed that it was not actually malignant (I think he had believed all along that it was going to be another cancer). He was very surprised to see that Sandy had recovered really quickly from the operation and was full of beans! He said then that Sandy has surprised him in the past and that he could well be wrong about how much time he has left.

That was at the beginning of July, over two months ago. Sandy still appears remarkably well and is still enjoying his life very much. He truly is living up to his pedigree name of Magic Mystery.

2009-09-21T12:55:00.003+01:00

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!

Since I last spoke to you, summer has come and almost gone. Not that we had much summer here in the UK: at least not as far as people like me who love to swim in the sea are concerned. I only swam once here all summer.

I was very lucky though and had pretty good weather for my 3 trips abroad. Kefalonia especially was hot and beautiful as ever, although even that was a little windy from time to time. One of the highlights was seeing a turtle for the first time in Kef, swimming in the water in Argostoli. (We took a video of it which I will post here later). So, a good summer with lots of sun for me. I didn't want the travelling to stop and, as usual, didn't want to leave Kef. Mind you, the journey home was interesting as we followed the coast of Greece northwards on to Albania, Montenegro and Croatia, with a lovely view of the numerous Croatian islands - and I was able to spot Rovinj (which is unmistakeable from the air if you know it). We then flew near Venice and I was able to see the campsites on the peninsula nearby - one of which we stayed in last May. So, I was able to track the paths of our 2009 travels from the air!

My husband had his 7-week sabattical from work and enjoyed himself very much. We had some good days out in Eastbourne and some good walks with our dog. Hubby was given a season ticket for the local cricket team for his 60th in January, so spent quite a bit of time on that this summer too. I hate cricket and, although it is good to see him enjoying himself and he certainly deserves to have some time doing stuff he enjoys, if I am honest I really wish he wasn't getting so into cricket again! That's just me being selfish though......

Since the travelling ended, I have really been in something of an escapist, reality-avoiding mood. I started playing a game called MyFarm on Facebook and really, really got addicted to planting crops, harvesting and selling them and gradually building up a very pretty farm (with lots of trees and flowers) I love my farm and wish I could run away and live there lol! It is a pretty much self-limiting thing because, once you get to a certain level, there really isn't all that much point in carrying on, but it has served its purpose for me and provided an escapist outlet at a time when I just wanted to hide from life and its problems for a while. Many people reading this will no doubt think that online farming is a sad pursuit - although it has to be said that my daughter tesed me mercilessly for several weeks but eventually signed up just to help me when I needed another neighbour. She has since become completlely addicted herself though, more so than I ever was! It can be a fairly sociable pursuit as you can harvest and plough for other people and get them to do the same for you. My daughter has actually made a good friend via FarmTown, a Greek girl who is studying in the US at the moment. They get on really well and my daughter may even stay with her when she goes back to Cyprus.

As for other news on my errant offspring, my daughter has had no work at all from the agency for several weeeks but now it is beginning to pick up again. Otherwise, she is plodding along much the same as ever. Son is a real problem at the moment though...... he is really the most miserable persson in the whole world. It is a shame there isn't a prize competition for the title, because he would win it without a doubt. He hates his job and thinks his life is s***t, basically. My daughter is unhappy with her life too, but at least you get lots of smiles from her and I can have a laugh with her. With my son though, there is just misery and no smiles at all. He seems to be very angry too: sometimes if feels as if he is angry with us, although it isn't our fault he got himself into a job he hates so much! I said to him just this morning that if he hates work so much he should at least try to look for something else, but all I got in response is that he doesn't know what else to do. "Well then" I said, "If you don't even try to get something else you are gonna stay miserable for ever!"

I know it is horrible to be in a job you hate, but I do think he should make more effort to make himself amenable to us. He dosn't even try to smile and be pleasant. He is happy enough to live in our house, eat our food and borrow our money when he gets into debt, so I think he should make more effort for us. At the moment, to be honest, I am really feeling as if I dislike the boy, even though I know that underneath I still love him! I had a jolly good cry when he left for work this morning...... it shouldn't be like that though, should it?

Apart from offspring problems, I am not too bad healthwise, although I have had some eye problems recently, as well as the usual ear ones. It has unfortunately been a very bad summer for me as far as exercise and diet is concerned - I got so fed up exercising and dieting without getting anywhere that I just needed to give up both for a while. In some ways, it has done me good...... although definitely not as far as my waistline is concerned! So now, the plan is to start all over again, hopefully with a more successful strategy this time! At the moment though, starting it all up again is proving a very slow process. I just do not want to do it!

Anyway, I have pretty much got you up to date with everything in my life now (apart from some news about our dog Sandy and that really merits a separate post).

See you later......

2009-06-27T14:17:00.010+01:00

JUST A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS.......

1) I am a bad blogger at the moment........ just haven't been in the mood to 'talk' recently!

2) I had a good time at the campsaite at CaSavio (just across the water from Venice) in May - apart from the journey there and back which was long and very tiring! Our caravan was in a pine forest next to a beautiful sandy beach though. We had a couple of swims - and enjoyed watching the woodpeckers and other birds while we sat outside eating our breakfast. We enjoyed the Italian coffee too (not to mention the Italian wine!).

3) We are off on our travels again in the early hours of Tuesday: one week in Croatia with daughter, then home for just a few days before hubby and I depart for our usual 2 weeks in my beloved Kefalonia.

4) Hubby is officially on sabbatical now; off work for 7 whole weeks! He has got lots of cricket and golf planned, of course.

5) My offspring are much the same as ever. Daughter hasn't been getting much work recently. She has been out on a couple of dates with a guy though......... she says he is nice, but she doesn't 'fancy' him at all. We keep telling her that might change as she gets to know him. He seems pretty keen on her though.......

6) Healthwise, my cyst has only just gone completely (there was a bit of fluid trapped in there for weeks!). Haven't felt really healthy since the cyst thing started. Am full of aches and pains too, but I guess that is just old age creeping up on me! Am hoping some time swimming and relaxing will help a lot though....... One good thing is that I was worried about my blood pressure as it had been raised again, but I had it taken on Thursday and it was normal. A big relief!

7) My one remaining sister-in-law (who has a schizophrenia-related illness) is in hospital at the moment. Always a difficult person, she has been upsetting the nurses in there and has been chucked out of her ward into another one. She is eating hardly anything and apparently looks very pale (I haven't seen her myself since January).

8) I have got to go now and get on with holiday preparations. Will promise to actually do some blogging again once I eventually return. Be good!

2009-05-08T17:26:00.006+01:00

ARRIVEDERCI.

I am going away for a week, to a place that figures a lot in this video: -

2009-05-06T14:25:00.005+01:00

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART FOUR.

Here's another letter from a lady called Lily to Bel Mooney, published in the Daily Mail on the 14th March 2009. This one is fom a younger woman in her 30s - but the problems are much the same!

HELP! NOBODY SEEMS TO LIKE ME!

Dear Bel

How do you make friends? I'm in my mid-30s and have no friends because no one likes me. I think this goes back to my last year in secondary school, when my so-called friends dropped me. In the past I've done night classes, but never met anyone I clicked with.

I think these problems often do go back to our earliest days. Because of my disability, my parents sent me to a private convent school up to the the age of nine and a half. If you don't think that little children can be snobby at that age, then think again! I was also constantly pestered about my hand - and asked to show what was beneath my artificial arm. The girl who did it most had Down's Syndrome so probably knew no different - it was just my bad luck that she happened to be there at the same time as me!

To make matters worse, my mother couldn't care less. She tells me to go out and enjoy myself - but I do not have the courage to do so. My life is just pointless. I long for friendships and the pain is really hurting me.

My mum wasn't good at understanding my problems either.

LILY

Loneliness affects so many people, and all the modern disease of frenetic 'communication' makes not a jot of difference. Is 'twittering' talking? No, it is not. Does Facebook make real friendship any easier? No, it does not. Instead, I suspect that all the meaningless 'stuff' going on all around makes people like you feel worse. You did the right thing to join evening classes, but if the person inside you doesn't know how to 'be', no activities are going to help.

I belong to Facebook - but sometimes end up upset as many my so called 'friends' on there aren't really interested in me as a person!

I find this reply more realistic than that given to the previous letter. It is true that, if the person inside you does not does not know how to 'be', then no activities are going to help. I have had 57 years in which to prove that that is correct! At last, maybe, we might be starting to get somewhere now!

I've had many letters like yours over the past few years. Loneliness among the elderly is a widespread - and very sad - problem, but it does us all good to realise that people of all ages are afflicted, too.

Your confidence suffered a severe knock at school and you have a parent who (I suspect) has never bothered to try to know the real you. But you can step forward out of those two shadows over your life. I won't suggest therapy because I suspect it would be financially out of the question, as well as too daunting at this stage. I think you have to help yourself by becoming far, far more self-aware than your little note indicates. You need to understand what makes people tick, starting with yourself. You have to learn to develop the person you are inside and present a different face to the world.

The problem of the cost of getting therapy is a real one. Finding a good therapist can be hard too.

It can be done - really! But you do not get there by moping. Have you seen Psychologies magazine (see www.psychologies.co.uk)?

Looks like a helpful link.

Each month they feature issues similar to yours, with plenty of advice, quizzes, and so on. You should sign up to the website, and get involved with the Forums, and read the magazine from cover to cover each month. Self-help books (which too many people dismiss) can be very useful, too: for example, How To Be A People Person by Marianna Csoti (Right Way Books); and Christine Webber's Get The Self-Esteem Habit (Help Yourself/ Hodder) are both written in a warm, accessible way. I'm saying that you have to make a real effort, Lily. You have to stop listening to that sad, negative inner voice which tells you no one likes you because you don't actually deserve friends.

I am going to buy these books. I have to say though that I already have a whole library of self-help books upstairs, most of them bought in the 80s when I had a spell when I was really determined to deal with this problem. It never got me anywhere though!

Let other voices drown it out. You do deserve friends. But you must learn how to reach out - and the first stage of that process is understanding more about people, including yourself. So start work today.

Yes, yes, yes! It has taken me some years, but I do now believe passionately that, despite all these years of failure, I definitely do deserve to have a good friend! I used to do voluntary work in a charity shop and often used to study some of the people who came who came in. Sometimes they were loud, full of swear words and screaming at their kids like mad women - but they nearly always came in with their friends and I used to think: "If they can do it, why not me?" But I never came up with a good answer!

My husband says I am different to other women; indeed, I think he loves me because of that. I am soft and feminine, yet not always into things that other women are. Although I like nice clothes and make-up, I do not want to talk about them for hours. I am not really all that domesticated, although I have not worked for many years. I was never a loud, giggly girl - always quiet and thoughtful.

I am really desperately hopeless at making small talk! Maybe I need to develop more exciting hobbies that I can talk about - I mainly like listening to music, reading, and crosswords and I really love swimming. I am learning Greek - but that is not something I can talk to other people about for long, as not many people my age learn Greek! I have belonged to a table tennis club for many years, but find it hard to talk to people there. They mostly all live in the village where it takes place (we are a mile or two away from there) and most of them know each other from doing other things. Many of them belong to an ordinary tennis club as well (I would love to play tennis, but am far from being good enough to join a club. Also, because of my disability I cannot serve properly).

Church can be a difficult area. I am a Catholic but, although my faith means a lot to me, I do not like to be with people who only talk about religion. I hate fanaticism of any kind. There is honestly not much potential for friendship at my church anyway, at least amongst the few who attend social gatherings outside the church. Although it is not good to be too critical of the people you mix with, you do need to have some basic rapport there. Of course you should always be friendly to everyone, but surely real friendship can only be achieved with those you really gel with?

2009-05-05T11:07:00.007+01:00

PIGGY STUFF!

The inevitable swine flu jokes are doing the rounds! I always feel slightly guilty laughing at such jokes, because if you actually get the affliction which is at the heart of the latest joke craze, I guess it isn't a joking matter! Still, we Brits do seem to be good at cheering ourselves up making light of serious subjects!

Anyway, I have to say I did laugh a lot at this particular joke. It is followed by the cover of an arts centre programme that came through our door today. I am sure they knew nothing about the coming pig flu epidemic when they designed their cover! (It is in fact advertising a production called 'Babe The Sheep Pig'!)

Some very prophetic person - long, long ago - was heard to say that if a black guy ever became president of the USA, then pigs would fly!

Of course, we all know that the USA does now indeed have a black president. And what happened 100 days after his inauguration? Why.......... swine flu, of course!

2009-04-21T10:01:00.006+01:00

A VERY STRANGE & SPOOKY FEW DAYS!

Friday saw me heading off with hubby for a weekend away in Winchester. I have never been to Winchester before - and I have to say I was well impressed! It is a lovely place: lots of beautiful old buildings and, just five minutes out of town along the river and there you are in the countryside, in the really lovely water meadows. What more can you want, eh? The sun even came out for us!

The reason we trundled off to Winchester is one that I have been very remiss in not telling you, my blog readers, about before! In March 2008, I wrote here about my schooldays and how I had spotted some of my old school companions on Friends Reunited. I subsequently sent an email to the girl I mentioned and did eventually get a very nice reply from her. I ended up meeting her for lunch just before Christmas, along with the other two women that I had maintained very intermittent contact with. We had a really enjoyable lunch and I was lured into attending a little mini-reunion this past weekend in Winchester.

There were four of my old schoolmates there, along with their partners. None of the people I met at Christmas actually went to Winchester, so I was meeting four people I hadn't seen since I was 17 (at least 100 years ago, I feel!). It was weird, to say the least! It was actually very enjoyable catching up with what everyone has been doing for the past 40 years though. Most of them were eerily pretty much the same as they were way back in those long-ago times, although the woman who organized the reunion - who I used to really dislike and find both stuffy and bossy - had changed the most and I actually probably like her the most now! Who says that people can't change?!!!!!

Anyway, we all stayed in the same hotel, although everyone else arrived arrived on Saturday whereas we made a longer break of it, arriving on the Friday afternoon. We met the others in the bar on Saturday evening and then we all went off for a really lovely meal in a local restaurant, before later retiring back to the hotel bar where we chatted until 1:30 am! I have to say, it was far too late for me - I was almost falling asleep! We met up with 3 of the other couples at breakfast and then we all went our separate ways. Hubby and I went off to church in Winchester and then spent a few hours doing some more exploring.

By now, you might be thinking what was strange and spooky about Seeker's weekend then? Well, the spooky stuff didn't start until after we got back home. Although, the journey back did show signs that something odd might be on the cards! Hubby wanted to stop off for a meal on the way back, having spotted a Harvester restaurant on the way there and thinking they would do reasonably priced grub! It was half past 5 when we drew up there; I was actually asleep and didn't even want a meal at the time, but hubby is always hungry! Lol! Anyway, we drove into the car park which is actually on the other side of the road from the restaurant and were surprised to see lots of police up at the far end of the car park. There must have been at least 3 cars and loads of police.

We went into the restaurant and the waitress (a really nice, exceptionally friendly girl) took our order. They do a very reasonably priced offer up to 6:30 and you get unlimited salad from the salad bar with the main meals too. Fortunately, I drank some water which woke me up quite dramatically and I even began to feel like some food. So, all was good!

I was just thinking that our food had been quite a time arriving, when the waitress came back and said she was sorry but there was a delay due to an 'incident'. We asked was it to do with the police being in the car park and she said that yes it was but that she was not allowed to give us any information.

The meal actually did arrive not all that long afterwards and we enjoyed it. When we left and went outside though, I just happened to spot a wad of paper towels not far from the door and noticed that there was blood on it. Rather disturbingly, there was a baby's bottle full of milk on the ground not far from the blood-soaked paper. Lord knows what had gone on there! Back over the road in the car park, the police were still in the corner evidently waiting for something. There was a car right in the corner next to the police and this had been cordoned off. As we drove past, we saw that the boot of the car was open and there were several cardboard boxes inside. Hubby surmised that the police were probably waiting for the forensic experts to turn up and test the contents of the boxes - but he does sometimes have an over-active imagination!

Anyway, the rest of our journey was uneventful apart from us stupidly getting a little lost around Guilford and actually going round in a circle for a while! We got home safely at around 8:15 pm though - and it was nice to see our children again, especially our daughter who had been away for the week at a religious event down in Ilfracombe.

When I got home, I had received a card from J, a lady from church who knew I hadn't been very well recently and had very kindly arranged for the mass last Sunday to be said for my intentions (not knowing that we were to be away). Nothing strange about that; it was very nice of her! The next afternoon though, just after my son had gone off to work, I went into our bedroom to get my mobile so I could get J's number to phone and thank her for having the mass said - and I noticed my son had picked up an envelope from the doormat and put it on the bed (our bedroom is downstairs, next to the front door). When I opened the envelope, I found that it was a sympathy card from the old couple who live opposite to us (the ones we spend the new years eve before last with). This was something of a surprise, as none of us know anyone who has died recently! As the card was addressed to my hubby, our daughter and myself, we assumed that the card was referring to our son. Hubby met the couple in the street the next morning and the lady could not remember where she got the information from, but thought she might have dreamed it! She is 82 though, so I guess she is just getting a bit confused in her old age!

The really weird thing is that immediately after opening the card, I phoned J and she told me that when the mass for me took place on Sunday evening, the priest who said it (a retired priest who often fills in when our priest goes off on his frequent travels around the world!) made a mistake and announced that I was dead! Poor J gave the guy who was taking the collection a note to tell the priest his error, but for some reason he failed to pass it on to him! The priest ended up announcing me as a deceased person three times in all! I actually found it very funny and was in fits of laughter when I was talking to J on the phone! Still, it was a little bit spooky too! What are the chances of two members of one family being killed off by mistake at the same time? Very slim, I should think! I hope somebody from the 'other side' isn't trying to tell us something!...................

2009-04-14T15:41:00.004+01:00

SANDY.

Not long ago somebody (I think it was Superwoman) asked how Sandy was. I was just about to reply that he was fine - when he gave us a bit of a scare! Hubby was helping him into the car after he had been walking with us in a park in Hove (he needs help getting up into the car these days!). Anyway, hubby gave him a helping hand up, only to find his hand was covered in blood seemingly coming from his backside. The bleeding soon stopped though and hubby reached the conclusion that he hurt himself on the way up (apparently made an unsuccessful attempt to get up by himself first). Anyway, there has been no sign of blood since.

He sleeps a lot these and the old bones are a bit stiff (I know the feeling myself only too well!) but - as you can see from the following video taken on a trip to the beach with him yesterday - he still really enjoys his life. He's really not bad for a 13-year-old who has had two cancerous lumps removed in the past, eh? He really lives up to his pedigree name, Magic Mystery!

I do love that dog so much......

2009-04-13T23:59:00.001+01:00

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART THREE.

Am feeling a little bit better now (and about time too!) so I thought that I would carry on with the friendship thing I was meant to be doing ages ago! Here is the agony aunt letter & its reply again, with my own comments added in.

From the Daily Mail 14th July 2007

Dear Bel

The letter from the lady who wished she could take a pill and never wake up (Mail, June 30) moved me no end. I empathise with her feelings for quite a different reason. How could I have reached my 60s and have no friends?

When we were growing up, we were never allowed to bring school friends home. My parents were very suspicious of everyone and had no friends. Even into our teens and after starting work, our home was off limits. My sister escaped to college and went on to have a good friendship base and four children and grandchildren.I wouldn't have thought she was any more friendly and outreaching than me; her main topic of conversation is herself. Of course, she does have a lot more interesting life than me.

My early schooldays were undoubtedly affected my the fact I had a disability which made the other children constantly ask lots of questions.My parents had lots of friends. For part of my youth, my mother ran a seaside guest house too, so the house was often full of people. I really adored meeting all those people, but it still never helped me make friends of my own!

I married someone who turned out like my parents. He discouraged neighbours, and any attempt I made to have a social life was squashed flat. I made work acquaintances, but it was impossible to deepen the relationships. I had two children and made sure the house was filled with their friends - which, funnily enough, my husband didn't object to. I enjoyed this and tried to introduce their parents into it, but people backed off because of his strange behavior.

Like me, my husband is not the most confident of people and does not have any real friends. Unlike me, this does not bother him so much. He loves sport, has a few people he can play tennis & golf with - and that's enough for him. I always wanted us to attempt to make friends together, but it never really happened. I think he feels the need for friends more now though.

Fast-forward - I divorced him, he subsequently died and I am in a calm, safe, rather boring relationship with a very kind man. Unfortunately, his family is scattered and he came without any friends too! At last I am settled, financially, my family close by (although not frequent visitors) and here I am without a network of friends or even one or two I could confide in.

I moved house some two years ago, and had made four friends where I lived before. One keeps in touch by phone, but cannot travel to see me. The other three have not returned my calls or letters, so I tried to keep in touch with them, to no avail.

I have been married for almost 34 years and am in a very stable relationship. We have been in our house for 26 years. I would quite like to move somewhere else, a completely new start in a new town with new people, but the fact our children still live at home makes this difficult. I dare say I still would not make friends anyway. (I know, a real defeatist attitude!)

Ill health has prevented me from doing any independent activities until now, but I am getting better. So I joined a gym, a reading group, went to evening classes and joined a choir at which I was 10 years younger than anyone else.

Throughout the years, I have tried many, many activities. I did yoga for a long time and attended evening classes. Like the writer, I have joined a gym in recent years (in an attempt to lose some weight though, not really to try and make friends). My husband and I belong to a social club too, but I have virtually stopped really trying now. I think all hope left me quite a time ago. I believe that people do not like me, that there is some friend-making skill that just was not dished out to me!

I have invited people to coffee and have set up a nodding acquaintance with my much younger neighbours, and there it ends. I am friendly, intelligent and willing to be a helpful friend, so where have I gone wrong?

Interesting, that use of the word friendly. I too think I am quite a friendly person. I certainly smile a lot and try to please. Surely though, really friendly people cannot fail to make friends, the two should go together. I think there is something in me, something I transmit to people without knowing it, that just puts them off me. Maybe, after all these years, I just expect to fail - and somehow transmit that fact!

I even go to church in the hope that someone will hold out a friendly hand to me, but there seems to be quite a clique there and so far I have been asked to make a cake, and that's it.

If I had one, I would ask my best friend what I am doing wrong. Have you any ideas?

Jean

BEL MOONEY'S REPLY

Let me be your best friend for today and tell you a story (you may have heard it before, but the best tales bear repeating) about a traveller entering a new town who stops for refreshment........

I do accept the point that Bel is making here. I tend to look around me and see a lot of unfriendly people - and it can definitely be a self-fulfilling prophecy! How to change it though? I try hard to see everyone as being friendly and not to write anyone off. We all, inevitably, judge the world on past experiences. How do I suddenly make myself go out out expecting that everybody is going to love me and see me as somebody they want to be friends with? How do I forget the fact that I have had 57 years and 9 months of failure? What is there to make me believe that things will ever change?

No, don't stop reading - upset because you assume I am blaming you for your bad luck where friends are concerned. It's not that simple.

She is right there!

There cannot be a single reader who doesn't wince at your description of those difficult parents, that dreary home. But the opening fable serves a purpose if it makes you understand that whoever we are, whatever our background, we do have some influence over how we construct our lives. That is what The Beatles meant when they sang that true, inspirational line, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Agreed. And I do love people...... the human race is just so varied, so interesting. I love watching people and I love listening to them. I am just no good at talking to them, or making them want to listen to me!

So, as your new best friend, I have to be honest and tell you what you don't want to hear.

While I sympathise with your story of your parents' congenital unfriendliness, and with your unfortunate (but perhaps telling?) fate to marry a man just like them, there were three moments in your letter when I began to ask myself whether - in real life - I would be your friend.

My first alarm sounds with your rather bitchy aside that your sister's "main topic of conversation is herself". You have always envied her, yet don't understand why she is more fortunate than you are. Her life is "more interesting" - but is that due to mere happenstance or because she made it so?

I had to smile at the first sentence here......... so many people have known (and I am thinking here about members of my husband's family) have seemed to be only interested in talking about themselves. Not that I don't like hearing about other people's lives - but friendship should surely be an equal thing? We all need to tell our stories sometimes, to be listened to. No one seems to want to listen to me though. I think I must be bad at talking about myself in a way that others find interesting. I guess I believe I must be boring - and that others find me so too.

The next warning bell clangs when you go on to describe your current relationship as "rather boring". Does this "kind" man really deserve that? It's revealing that you say so little about him, other than that he isn't a very social person either - and this after you had already married one such. Do you live together? Does he work? Does he share your concern about a lack of friends? You aren't interested enough in him to tell me.

Not applicable to me. I love my husband and love spending time with him. My only problem has always been that, because I have no friends of my own, I therefore cling to him too much and have a problem in happily letting him go off to play his games of tennis or golf. It is something I have to work hard to control.

If the relationship is really boring - why? Is your partner boring, or is it you? Often when we are critical about other people ("She only talks about herself / All she thinks about is shopping / He's too concerned with what other people think about him," etc) a voice from the subconscious is pointing to the very things that are wrong with ourselves.

I suppose I kind of see what she is getting at here, but only to a point. Following this logic, the people who judge me as too boring to want to be a friend of theirs must therefore be boring themselves!

A few years ago, a friend I thought really close sniped that another woman I had just got to know (and liked very much) was being friendly only because I had a famous husband. When the marriage ended, guess which one sided with my ex to a quite unforgivable degree and which became a great friend to me?

So the first thing you must do is examine - as honestly as you can - how you are with other people.

It seems significant that those three friends from your old town haven't made any effort at all to keep in touch with you. What does that tell you about the quality of your relationships? It's easy to blame them, but you are not going to make new friends unless you reflect what part you might have played in keeping the "friendships" superficial.

It sounds as if a part of you is still enacting what your parents imposed - and keeping the door firmly closed, even if you do not realise it. Now this virtual friend will point out what's good about you. Your health has improved and you have seized the chance to fill your life with more activities to make it more interesting. Three cheers for joining the gym and so on.

I am on the side of the letter write here, rather than the agony aunt! I too have been to churches where people are unfriendly and cliquey. Of course the writer should help out in whichever way appeals to her - but so many people in churches still think that every female churchgoer has to be is only good for making a few cakes. There are women who like making cakes - and there are women whose talents lie in other directions. We are all different!

I am guilty, I guess, of expecting hands to be held out to me too much. It is sad that in a group environment where people know each other - and especially in a Christian environment where loving each other should be what it is all about - people do not make the effort to make a newcomer feel at ease. I do sometimes find myself getting angry when I am feeling the panic of being in a strange environment, lost and out of my depths, that there is so often not even one person who will even try to help. It often only takes just a little gesture to help somebody feel wanted and so much more at ease.

You say you moved just two years ago. Some of that time has surely been taken up with sorting your home, finding your way about, locating a choir, book group etc (I repeat, full marks for that) and getting your health back on an even keel. Don't be so hard on yourself that you expect to have achieved a full social life already; just start from this moment to realise that the face you show to the world will be the one the world shows back to you.

Relax. Smile. Give. Like yourself a little more. Bake great cakes. Open the door - in every way. Offer to babysit for those neighbours. Suggest your caring partner involves himself in shared activities; vow to discover new things together.

I try to relax (though sometimes it is hard!)....... I do smile a lot......... I go to shared activities with my husband whenever I can. What more can I do?

If you think your life is boring then act to change that part of yourself which judges it so. And then, when your new warm acquaintances slowly evolve into friends, you will rejoice that you moved to such a friendly town.

Well, I wonder how things are for Jean almost 2 years later. I hope her life has improved.

Bel Mooney answered another letter about friendship issues recently. So, I'll deal with that one in a later post.

2009-04-10T13:55:00.002+01:00

FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

2009-04-07T10:40:00.010+01:00

GETTING INTO HOT WATER!

I am surviving okay. The cyst area is doing alright (although it is still discharging a tiny bit). The hands are not too bad, apart from one very nasty deep fissure....... the chemist said I should show it to the doctor, but I really want to avoid having any further antibiotics if at all humanly possible. So, I am doing absolutely nothing in order to avoid infection. I am watching it very closely, but it seems to be doing fine so far. Besides not being able to do anything, I am staying in my nightie most of the day because the cyst on my botty is much better when the air can get to it. And I am having repeated showers throughout the day....... which brings me to the title of this post!

My neighbour is a bit of a rough-and-ready guy. My husband and daughter have on occasions narrowly avoided having a big row with him over the dreaded shared driveway (which they all park in, as it is usually impossible to park in our road due to us being very close to an establishment which not only has a large staff, but numerous visitors throughout the day). Our neighbour himself says that you do not want to get him angry - and fortunately my family have so far avoided any major incidents! They are though never allowed to block him into the drive by parking behind him, even though he himself is allowed to do the same to them (apparently the reason is that he goes out regularly at 11 pm and does not want to disturb us then - so, if my husband or daughter want to park in the drive with him, they have to knock on his door and ask him to move let them in!).

You may well wonder what this has to do with me having frequent showers. Well, it occurred to me that, if he is leaving his front door (which is just outside our bathroom window) when I am in the shower- and if the said bathroom window happens to be open at the time - then he might hear some moaning coming from it! The moaning-with-pleasure kind of moaning! And he might be forgiven for thinking that some kind of orgy is going on in there! Alas, not so........

The very first time I got this blister rash, when my son was just a baby, I discovered that hot water is really the only thing that can stop the unbearable itching. It has to be very hot water - just about as hot as you can possibly bear. Putting it onto the rash does not just soothes the itching, but causes an intensely pleasurable feeling. It really does make me moan. Although, joking apart, it is not a sexual thing: I don't start dreaming of the sexiest film star I can think of, or run out naked into the road to grab the nearest window cleaner! That said - ladies, if your love life is not good and you cannot find yourself a man, then getting this rash could possibly be an acceptable substitutes (although I cannot really recommend it in other ways, the hot water thing is definitely a plus - and remember that even the best men have their bad points too!).

Of course, you cannot just go out and get this rash (only weird people like me get it!). However, do not fear ladies, for I have this week discovered that if you can get hold of a North American plant called poison ivy and induce it to bring you out in a rash (something it apparently is rather prone to do) then you can evidently get the same effects from the hot water therapy. Somebody on a website discussing the effects of this plant actually said: "It sounds crazy but it is the best feeling I've ever had". Apparently the hot water causes histamine to be released, thus easing the itching. Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess.........

By the way, while trying to find an explanation for the hot water itch cure, I found that there is a weird kind of epilepsy which is induced by hot water - and there are apparently some adult patients who ‘reported a sense of intense pleasure’ which made them continue pouring ‘hot water over the head until they lost consciousness’!

It sure is a strange old world out there...........

2009-04-02T15:53:00.005+01:00

HEALTH UPDATE.

I have been retired from blogging for a while, dealing only with health problems!

After my second lot of antibiotics my cyst still had not improved, so in desperation I followed the advice of my Greek teacher and put a hot poultice - made from chamomile flowers which she very kindly gave to me - onto it. It did the trick and actually the site of the cyst seems to be healing nicely.

Unfortunately though, when the site of the cyst opened up this second time it triggered off everything that had happened when it first ruptured. So, the horrible rash around it flared up again and I developed more blisters on my hands. This time was even worse though, as I got blisters all around my mouth as well, making me very worried for a time that I might be having some kind of allergic reaction to the antibiotics. I also have just today discovered a few tiny blisters on my feet.

I am beginning to seriously distrust the initial diagnosis of dyshidrosis. Frankly, it was always a bit strange that dyshidrosis would occur only following trauma. Additionally, in none of the pictures of dyshidrosis I have seen on the internet have the blisters been as severe as some of the ones I have had. Quite obviously (I thought) I have been having some kind of weird problem where my immune system over-reacts to any kind of trauma. My doctor agreed with me on the latter, but has not seemed inclined to try to get more answers.

Today, I have been doing my own research on the internet and have found an auto-immune disorder that seems to tick a lot of the boxes. I do not want to have this thing though....... it isn't nice and can cause other problems. Some (but not all) of the various different types of this disorder are hereditary. I am banking on having a non-hereditary type (if I have it at all) because of the implications for my children. A somewhat alarming fact is that my daughter has complained in the past about getting strange blisters in her mouth.......

Physically, these recent problems have made me feel pretty run-down and - at their peak - really quite ill. Mentally, I am really quite depressed. What the f*** is going to happen to us next?

I have written a letter to my doctor (it seemed the best way to let her know my concerns), so hopefully she will seriously consider what I have suggested to her. Will keep you posted...........

2009-03-26T15:42:00.009Z

QUICK UPDATE.

I haven't been able to post as hubby was home sick with a tummy bug that lasted a few days and was using the computer. He has gone back to work today.

I went back to the doctor's on Monday. She seemed quite shocked when she heard that my cyst had got worse immediately after my previous visit - and especially so when I told her that it was discharging fluid for 3 days. She has put me on yet another course of antibiotics - which means that, counting the ones I had for my cough, this is my third lot. Yikes! There won't be a good bug left in me!

The horrible rash thing that encircled the cyst and covered a really large area is now much, much better. The cyst itself is still there though - and is pretty tender to touch. My doctor didn't say what will happen next, although she told me to be sure to come back go back to see her next Monday. I don't know whether it will have to be cut out, or just lanced open. I do not really fancy either option, so am praying that the thing will just disappear - or burst open by itself.

The dyshidrosis on my hand is getting better, although it is now at the peeling stage. As the new skin emerges from under the dead skin where the blisters were, it is pink and tender. The whole thing is pretty unsightly (pretty not really being an appropriate word to describe it!). Still, it is on the mend now.

2009-03-22T10:24:00.005Z

MOTHER'S DAY? REALLY?

It's mother's day.

Last day of antibiotics. My cyst has stopped improving. Wouldn't be surprised if I end up in hospital!

Got woken up in a panic at 12:30 am by phone call from Russian flower agency (or some such title) asking to speak to my son about a flower order. Evidently more drama brewing there! Couldn't sleep afterwards - my heart was racing for ages.

We are supposed to be going out for a mother's day lunch - but now hubby has 'watery diarrhoea' and will not be able to eat - if he comes at all!

All in all, just another normal day in the Seeker household!

2009-03-20T11:18:00.005Z

OOH OUCH!

You cannot actually pick out the hundreds of tiny blisters all over my fingers in the photos above - or really see how swollen my fingers are - but they do give a very small idea of the state of things. Actually, the present hand rash is really very mild compared to what normally happens when I get it after accidentally cutting my hand! Sometimes, the size of the blisters is truly amazing (I wish I could show you photos, but have never thought of taking any before!)

The worst thing about this rash is the itching - it is completely unbearable! I discovered a long, long time ago though that putting my hand in very hot water - hot enough for me to be able to bear it for only a few seconds - completely gets rid of the itching for several hours. Sometimes, my hand gets burned and dried out by the hot water - but it is infinitely preferable to the intense itching!

I am worried now about what will happen to my cyst which so far has not cleared up totally, with only two full days of antibiotics left. It has always been my fear, with the operations I have had, that the skin incision would cause my rash to occur. With this cyst, I am not really sure what the connection with the hand rash is all about - but the last thing I want is to have the cyst removed and develop a real problem with the rash.

I think I need to visit my doctor again on Monday and let her see what has happened - and discuss my fears with her!

2009-03-19T14:45:00.003Z

I AM STILL ALIVE.......

and that's a miracle in itself, as I have been expecting the bugs to carry me off at any moment! Thank God for antibiotics!

The area around my cyst is still discharging its honey-coloured fluid, although I think perhaps it is a bit less than yesterday. My hand is still bad - and possibly a little worse, as the fingers are more swollen due to some of the blisters increasing slightly in size - but it is still dry and I am hoping it might possibly remain so.

I am in bed mostly and sleeping quite a bit. I could not do any housework anyway with my sore, swollen, blistered fingers. Am going to venture into the bath soon - I haven't felt up to having one before now, but hopefully the warm water will be very soothing.

I am, told that it has been such a beautiful, springlike week here - but I have barely noticed! Never mind, I am just happy to be surviving! There is something about being ill that just concentrates your mind on healing, so that all other worries and problems get pushed aside for the time being. It can almost be a relief. Anyway, I am cheerful and, apart from occasional spells of unbearable itching, I am not suffering unmanageable discomfort. It is all part of life's rich pattern, I guess.

2009-03-17T16:42:00.005Z

I'M IN THE WARS - BIG TIME!

I have a little cyst on my derriere, near my hip. It started as one of those spots that you can continually squeeze and get a thick white stuff from, although it later sealed up and became a cyst. Now It has burst and become infected and is weeping and is horribly sore and itchy. The inflamed area is as big as a saucer!

The infection has spread slightly to my hand somehow and given me a little bit of my rash! I get this very strange rash, usually when I accidentally cut my hand. I saw a dermatologist once and it was decided that the fungus that normally lives quite harmlessly on skin probably causes some kind of reaction when it gets inside a cut and causes something called dyshidrotic (or pompholyx) eczema. With me, the blisters it causes are horrendous - and I mean HORRENDOUS! They all run into one another and cause the most enormous blisters you have ever seen! The accompanying discomfort is hard to describe - a mixture of unbearable itching, burning and pain all rolled into one. You can take it from me, it ain't pleasant!

I actually haven't had this rash since 2004. I cut my hand badly on a tin on one Tuesday night then (I remember the night because I was rushing to go out to our table tennis club). By the Friday, the rash was so bad I had to go to the doctor's and get some antibiotics. We were going away that day to stay in a caravan in Weymouth - and delayed our departure so I could go to the doctor. I remember the whole time we were away I had my hand wrapped in tissues (I forgot to mention that the rash exudes a honey-coloured liquid from it). It was really awkward having to go out and about in restaurants etc, as the rash looks horrific - as if I have got the plague or something.

Anyhow, this cyst near my hip has now turned into a similar rash - and it has somehow spread to my hand too. So far the rash on my hands has not started weeping - I am hoping that the antibiotics my doctor has given me might have been started in time to prevent it. The area around my cyst is oozing lots of the usual honey-coloured gunge though. I am feeling really under the weather with it all; I have just been in bed all morning and will not be able to go to our Greek lesson tonight.

This has been a really bad winter for me. My cough still hasn't cleared up and I had another eye infection at the weekend, although luckily the ointment I had cleared it okay this time. I am wondering what on earth is going to happen next! Am really praying hard that this area around the cyst shows some sign of improvement soon; I would hate to end up having to go to hospital with it!

Anyway, I got up because I have got to ring our ISP, as there are problems with our Wireless box. I rang up once before, about a month ago and they told me it was fixed, but as soon as the computer was switched off and restarted the problem was back. To be honest, I just have not been able to face ringing up again - but my daughter's new laptop (for which we are lending her the money!) arrived this morning and she will be wanting her internet access sorted out.

See you later!

2009-03-13T16:01:00.015Z

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART TWO.

I'm going to stay with the theme of delving into the reason I do not make friends easily next week - but for the time being, I have to go and do some housework! Meanwhile, I am posting the problem page letter (which was apparently in the Daily Mail in July 2007). When I get time next week, I will add my comments about how the points which both the writer - and Bel Mooney in her answer - raise might relate to me and own particular problems!

I would love to know how Jean is getting on now! Are you out there, Jean? Lol!

Dear Bel

The letter from the lady who wished she could take a pill and never wake up (Mail, June 30) moved me no end. I empathise with her feelings for quite a different reason. How could I have reached my 60s and have no friends?

When we were growing up, we were never allowed to bring school friends home. My parents were very suspicious of everyone and had no friends. Even into our teens and after starting work, our home was off limits. My sister escaped to college and went on to have a good friendship base and four children and grandchildren.I wouldn't have thought she was any more friendly and outreaching than me; her main topic of conversation is herself. Of course, she does have a lot more interesting life than me.

I married someone who turned out like my parents. He discouraged neighbours, and any attempt I made to have a social life was squashed flat. I made work acquaintances, but it was impossible to deepen the relationships. I had two children and made sure the house was filled with their friends - which, funnily enough, my husband didn't object to. I enjoyed this and tried to introduce their parents into it, but people backed off because of his strange behavior.

Fast-forward - I divorced him, he subsequently died and I am in a calm, safe, rather boring relationship with a very kind man.
Unfortunately, his family is scattered and he came without any friends too! At last I am settled, financially, my family close by (although not frequent visitors) and here I am without a network of friends or even one or two I could confide in.
I moved house some two years ago, and had made four friends where I lived before. One keeps in touch by phone, but cannot travel to see me. The other three have not returned my calls or letters, so I tried to keep in touch with them, to no avail.

Ill health has prevented me from doing any independent activities until now, but I am getting better. So I joined a gym, a reading group, went to evening classes and joined a choir at which I was 10 years younger than anyone else.

I have invited people to coffee and have set up a nodding acquaintance with my much younger neighbours, and there it ends.
I am friendly, intelligent and willing to be a helpful friend, so where have I gone wrong?

I even go to church in the hope that someone will hold out a friendly hand to me, but there seems to be quite a clique there and so far I have been asked to make a cake, and that's it.

If I had one, I would ask my best friend what I am doing wrong. Have you any ideas?

Jean

BEL MOONEY'S REPLY

Let me be your best friend for today and tell you a story (you may have heard it before, but the best tales bear repeating) about a traveller entering a new town who stops for refreshment........

To the first man he meets, he says: "I'm coming to live here and I'd like to know what kind of people I'll find in this town." The man responds: "Well, let me ask you - what kind of people did you find in the town you've left?" The traveller replies: "Oh, on the whole they were a pretty decent lot. They varied, of course, but I had some good friends and I'm sorry to leave them." "Welcome," says the stranger. "I think you'll be happy because those are the kind of people you'll find in this town." Shortly afterwards, another traveller turns up and asks the same question. Again the stranger asks about the people in his last town. "To tell the truth," replies the voyager, "they were about as nasty and unfriendly a lot as you could meet." "They were spiteful and selfish and I'm jolly glad to see the last of them." "Oh, that's a real pity," sighs the wise stranger, "because I'm afraid that's the kind of people you will find in this town."

No, don't stop reading - upset because you assume I am blaming you for your bad luck where friends are concerned. It's not that simple.

There cannot be a single reader who doesn't wince at your description of those difficult parents, that dreary home. But the opening fable serves a purpose if it makes you understand that whoever we are, whatever our background, we do have some influence over how we construct our lives. That is what The Beatles meant when they sang that true, inspirational line, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

So, as your new best friend, I have to be honest and tell you what you don't want to hear.

While I sympathise with your story of your parents' congenital unfriendliness, and with your unfortunate (but perhaps telling?) fate to marry a man just like them, there were three moments in your letter when I began to ask myself whether - in real life - I would be your friend.

My first alarm sounds with your rather bitchy aside that your sister's "main topic of conversation is herself". You have always envied her, yet don't understand why she is more fortunate than you are. Her life is "more interesting" - but is that due to mere happenstance or because she made it so?

The next warning bell clangs when you go on to describe your current relationship as "rather boring". Does this "kind" man really deserve that? It's revealing that you say so little about him, other than that he isn't a very social person either - and this after you had already married one such. Do you live together? Does he work? Does he share your concern about a lack of friends? You aren't interested enough in him to tell me.

If the relationship is really boring - why? Is your partner boring, or is it you? Often when we are critical about other people ("She only talks about herself / All she thinks about is shopping / He's too concerned with what other people think about him," etc) a voice from the subconscious is pointing to the very things that are wrong with ourselves.

A few years ago, a friend I thought really close sniped that another woman I had just got to know (and liked very much) was being friendly only because I had a famous husband. When the marriage ended, guess which one sided with my ex to a quite unforgivable degree and which became a great friend to me?

So the first thing you must do is examine - as honestly as you can - how you are with other people.

It seems significant that those three friends from your old town haven't made any effort at all to keep in touch with you. What does that tell you about the quality of your relationships? It's easy to blame them, but you are not going to make new friends unless you reflect what part you might have played in keeping the "friendships" superficial.

It sounds as if a part of you is still enacting what your parents imposed - and keeping the door firmly closed, even if you do not realise it. Now this virtual friend will point out what's good about you. Your health has improved and you have seized the chance to fill your life with more activities to make it more interesting. Three cheers for joining the gym and so on.

I have no doubt that you are intelligent (as you say) and friendly too - but that does bring me to the third moment when, reading your letter, I groaned aloud. You say you "even" go to church out of your desperate need for friends but - guess what? - you find the people cliquey. You complain that you have been asked only to make a cake. What did you expect? A cake, made in good faith, with the best of intentions, is a very good beginning - a hand held out to others. That is how you start to make friends - not through being so needy and demanding that you expect hands to be held out to you.

You say you moved just two years ago. Some of that time has surely been taken up with sorting your home, finding your way about, locating a choir, book group etc (I repeat, full marks for that) and getting your health back on an even keel. Don't be so hard on yourself that you expect to have achieved a full social life already; just start from this moment to realise that the face you show to the world will be the one the world shows back to you.

Relax. Smile. Give. Like yourself a little more. Bake great cakes. Open the door - in every way. Offer to babysit for those neighbours. Suggest your caring partner involves himself in shared activities; vow to discover new things together.

2009-03-13T11:28:00.005Z

POETIC MOMENTS.

We all get them them (at least, I hope everyone does!) ......... those special moments when nature conspires with God to create a moment so beautiful that you never forget it.........

Here is dear old Martyn Joseph talking about one such moment he experienced - and singing the beautiful song he wrote as a direct result of it.

Please remember to disable the music player in the sidebar before watching this video.

2009-03-12T15:30:00.002Z

FRIENDSHIP & ME: PART ONE.

I have written here before on my inability to make friends - my sheer ineptitude, uselessness, pathetic-ness related to it! It has, for some strange reason, been troubling me a lot again recently - so I thought it was time to inflict another post about it on you, my poor long-suffering readers!

I guess I cannot be the only person on the planet with friendship issues. Generally though, it is not something that people tend to own up to - apart from anonymously on blogs like this, or in magazine problem pages. Saying you have got no friends feels like a surefire way of driving any potential friends away, so it is the last thing anyone admits to!

I have recently come across two cases of somebody admitting anonymously to being unable to make friends. The first is a problem page letter - which I will deal with in a separate post. The second is this post on Trueself's 'Deepest Darkest Thoughts' blog, I have been reading Trueself's blog for quite a time now and, although our lives are different in many ways we do have quite a bit in common - especially what Trueself describes as her 'appalling lack of social skills'. Sadly, I don't think Trueself visits my blog, but I hope she won't mind me mentioning her post here. I just wanted to mention a couple of her points in so far as they might ring some bells in my head.

Trueself writes that she is completely unlikeable and not worthy of friendship. Do I think that of myself. Well yes, I believe that that is how the world perceives me. However, I do believe in my heart of hearts that I would actually make a good friend, that people are actually missing out when they reject my friendship. Maybe I am just kidding myself there though.

Trueself says that she sees herself actually pushing potential friends away. Maybe, like me, after years of being rejected she anticipates rejection and it has become a kind of self-fulfilling prophesy. If you are expecting the other person not to want to be friends with you, it is hard to make quite as much effort as you might do if you believed you had a chance of making a friend. Rejection hurts - it never stops hurting - so an inbuilt defence mechanism tells you not to avoid getting hurt, I guess..

Trueself wrote:

" I lack an ability to read people, to know when they are approachable and when they aren’t. I lack the confidence to look people in the eye, or to say hello first, or to ask if I can sit at their table, or to invite them to join me. I have no idea how to introduce myself to strangers in such a way that will keep them from looking like they are annoyed at the intrusion. I have no idea how to join a conversation at a party. I have no clue how to behave in social situations other than to sit in the corner and try my best to disappear into the background."

I identify with all these things so completely it might have been me writing them.......... I am so bad at all these things! I feel complete and utter panic in a room full of people I do not know. I definitely often end up sitting in the corner and trying to disappear into the background. Have you noticed though how people just tend to ignore someone who does that? Do they really think that anyone would choose to sit there all by themselves? I usually end up sitting there quite angry at what I see as my unfair fate (even though I have, at least partly, caused it!).

Where I differ from Trueself is when she say that, if somebody starts talking to her, then she will quite happily 'chat their ear off'. I am okay if I have a particular subject I am interested in to talk about, but useless at general chit-chat and small-talk. Ideas for things to say just do not come into my head. I am useless at it.

Trueself talks about her problems originating at school, where I believe she was bullied. I was not actually bullied at school - but my problems undoubtedly do go back to my schooldays. Being born with a disability, I soon realised I was different and an object of interest to the other children. Mostly, they wanted me to slip my little arm out from the artificial arm I used to wear and show them what was underneath. When it came to actually letting me play with them though, that was a different matter! I do think that people (even adults) tend to steer away from somebody who is different in some way. It is okay if you make up with your disabilty with a very outgoing personality (as Cerrie Burnell evidently does) but being quiet and sensitive - and having a disability - just is not good news!

2009-03-08T12:04:00.001Z

MYKONOS

(Please disable music player as per instructions on sidebar before watching this video)

Mykonos from Grandchildren on Vimeo.